Uncertain Reality
by Kinetic-K
Summary: The sequel to 'Airtight Pretending! Olivia and Amanda are preparing for their return back to work after being attacked, while undercover. New obstacles arise as they work through their trauma and new partnership.
1. Chapter 1

**This is the sequel to 'Airtight Pretending'! Picking up a day before, Olivia and Amanda's official return back to SVU. Some flashbacks to let you know, what's taken place. Enjoy!**

"No! This better be a joke. I don't understand. What the hell do you mean?!"

"Ma'am, please calm down."

"It's Detective, goddammit!" Click.

 **A week earlier, in Dr. Huang's office…**

"So, I know that you're eager to get back to work—"

"Yes."

"Ok." Huang smiled at the interruption. "But are you _ready_ to go back to work?"

"Ye—"

"Detective, take a moment, please. I'm well aware that you want to get back to work. However, I'm not certain if you're completely ready. You're different now. Whether you believe it or not, what you went through will affect your job. Have you taken a moment to consider how those changes might affect you and your performance?"

"I don't need a moment. This is one of the few things that I'm sure of. I love my job, I'm good at my job."

"Yes, but—"

"No 'buts', I'm ready!" Rollins stormed out of Huang's office. Totally over the psycho, babel bs.

Olivia was in the waiting room, when a pissed off Amanda burst through the door. Everybody in the waiting room watched in shock, as an angry blonde, barged out the front door. The brunette shot Huang a 'wtf' look, he just shrugged, as she went after her partner. Rollins was irritated beyond words. Therapy sucked and if she wasn't required to go, no way in hell would she put herself through torture, via chatting.

"Amanda! Wait up…"

Amanda stopped, looked up to the sky, and rolled her eyes. She took a deep breath, then turned to the direction of Olivia's voice. After all, it wasn't her fault. "I made a scene. I know, sorry."

"Forget about that. Why'd you storm out? What happened?"

The frustrated woman sighed again before she began. "Therapy's not for me. It's not. It just makes you feel like shit and second guess everything. Then, the Doc tries to push unwanted, hypothetical situations on you. Huang's basically trying to scare me into not going back to work."

"Amanda…I'm sure that's not what he's trying to do."

"No, no, no. You don't get to be on Huang's side. You hate therapy too, remember?"

"Come on, now. You know, I'm _always_ on your side. And yes, therapy isn't my favorite thing but—"

"No, no, no. No 'buts', just stop at I'm on your side and therapy sucks."

Olivia let out a small chuckle, before continuing her previous thought. "Ok… _but,_ I need you to tell me what had you raging, back there."

Amanda knew by now that she wasn't going to just drop it. "He, he was hinting at not clearing me for duty."

"Oh, ok. What makes you think that he won't clear you?"

"He kept asking me to 'take a moment' and think about how my 'trauma' might affect my job. Like maybe, I won't be able to go back to SVU. He's trying to take away the only thing that keeps me going. Well…one of the things that keep me going." Amanda softened a bit as she smirked at the brunette.

Olivia smiled back at her before speaking. "I know therapy is…less than pleasant." Wink. "But you know what would really suck? Me back at work without you there. I want us to walk in together. To show everyone that we belong there. Went through the worst and made it out on the other side, even stronger. That we can still do our job and do it well. A few more sessions and we'll be back at work Monday."

 _She's right, as usual. Damnit!_ "You know, you're not always going to be right. I owe Huang an apology, huh?" Olivia didn't say a word but got her point across, by the look on her face. "Ugh, fine. Come on, let's go back."

"Let's go." They linked fingers, headed back to the office.

"Think he's going to be pissed at me?"

"No, he's a pro. Probably happens at least, once a week."

"Yeah."

"Now, let's get back to you saying I'm always right. Maybe you can get a t-shirt made with that on it," teased Olivia. As she smiled at the shorter woman.

Amanda looked over and saw that smile, she adored so much. She'd never tire of that sight. However, she couldn't let Liv get the best of her. "I wouldn't take my words too seriously. A side effect of having a concussion, is confusion. And I must've definitely been confused to say something like that."

Liv laughed, at the semi self-deprecating joke, heartily. It was so typical, Amanda. She was just so uniquely herself and it was the thing that the brunette appreciated the most. Olivia brought their adjoined hands to her lips. Kissed them, then got serious before she said, "Never change."

 **Olivia's session…**

"So, I've reviewed your file. This isn't your first experience with physical and psychological trauma?" Asked an inquisitive Dr. Huang.

"No, it isn't."

"Talk to me about your recovery after Seaview."

"I thought that we were supposed to be dealing with the trauma, from my recent attack? Not the past."

"Yes, we are but I'm curious about how you handled, that particular ordeal."

Olivia was reluctant to dive back into those memories. However, she knew that in order to get cleared, she needed to cooperate. "Well…at first, I didn't really deal because in my mind, I got away. I escaped. When so many other women, didn't have that opportunity. I felt like, I didn't deserve to feel traumatized when others had it worse than me."

"Your knowledge of how 'real' victims had been attacked, made you feel like your attack was less than?"

"Yes."

"And how do you feel now? I've read both you and Detective Rollins' statements. Saw the Dr.'s notes on your injuries and read your personal journal. Do you feel like a 'worthy' victim now?"

"I'm not a victim."

Huang noticed the testy edge to her tone. "I apologize. What word would you use?"

"I wouldn't use a word. I would say that I went through hell. Did what I had to do, to make sure that my partner and I survived. And we did."

"Hell. That's a very generic way of summing up the situation. Can you elaborate?"

"Why? You've read everything."

The Dr. was taken back by the slightly aggressive, straight forwardness. "Yes, Detective. I know but I would like to hear it in your own words."

 _Amanda's right, therapy sucks. I'm on her side, I'm totally on her side._ "It was terrible. I was in the kitchen making dinner before I even noticed anything was wrong. From what I've been told—"

"Detective. Please, keep the focus on you and your experience."

 _Ok, he's really annoying the hell out of me._ Olivia took a deep breath and bit her tongue. To keep from letting her inner dialogue flow. She gathered her thoughts and tried to recall the details, as best she could. "I could tell that something was wrong. I felt it. So, I went in search for Amanda. I walked into our bedroom and saw her tied to the bed, her eyes were big and panicked. She was trying to warn me but I saw her in that state and just reacted. I took a step into the room and I was struck from behind. When I came to, I was tied to a chair. Helpless."

"Helpless. That's an interesting word, that you chose." Huang flipped through his notes before continuing, "Because according to Detective Rollins' official statement, and I quote 'Detective Benson sacrificed herself to save me' end quote. That doesn't sound like a helpless person to me."

The detective's emotions began to rise. Hearing those words helped to assuage some of her guilt for not doing enough, that night. It was a secret burden that she'd been carrying with her. Olivia felt like she'd failed her partner. She was the senior detective, so she took on the responsibility for their safety or lack thereof. It was personal to her. Huang could see her processing the information and he awaited her response.

"I felt it coming."

"The attack?" The Dr. was confused and needed some clarity.

"Yes. I had a feeling the week leading up to it. He watched us, for weeks before attacking. He mocked me about it, during… It got to me. I knew he was watching and I still couldn't prevent it from happening. So, I didn't sacrifice anything. I just fought hard to make up for my initial mistake of letting down my guard."

Huang closed his notes, stopped the recording and sat directly in front of her. "Olivia," She looked up at the use of her first name. Huang was always professional when they were working. So, she could tell that whatever he was about to say was coming from a personal place. "I've read everything several, several times. And I'm in complete awe of you, both of you. With your injuries, I have no clue how you were able to fight back for so long. Those were extreme, brutal circumstances. The type of situation that no amount of training or preparation would ever fully prepare you for what you endured. You pleaded for the perp to take you instead of Amanda. Then sacrificed your body, giving her time to reach her weapon. That's what I want you to focus on. Not the what ifs but the facts. I have a fact for you. An evil, sociopath will never hurt another woman again. Thanks to you and Detective Rollins. Fact."

Olivia processed what the Dr. was saying. Facts. Hard to dispute, cold hearted facts. Another fact, was that she actually felt some relief after hearing Huang's facts. The inadequate feeling that had been plaguing her, seemed just a little bit more manageable now. It could have been worse and that was another fact that she couldn't deny. She remembered the photos of Lawrence's other victims. All six had been raped and beaten within an inch of their life. Knowing they'd dodged that bullet, eased her burden even more.

Olivia looked at Huang, her doctor, her friend and nodded her head in agreement. "Facts. I like them."

"They're comforting. The truth is always comforting. You're making good process. I need you to continue to focus on the facts and steer clear of the what ifs. So, they don't halt your moving forward."

"Ok, I'll remember that."

"Good." The Dr.'s phone vibrated. "That's our time."

They stood to their feet and Olivia was just about to open the door to exit when she stopped. She turned back to Huang and said, "Thanks, George for helping me through this."

"You're welcome, Olivia."

 **Present time…**

Nerves and butterflies were in the pit of Amanda's stomach. The anticipation of going back to work, had her on edge. For the last month, all of her recovery and hard work came down to, three people giving her the 'ok'. Therapy still wasn't her thing but she really tried to make some progress and it was actually helping. Not that she would ever admit that to anyone but it was. Rollins was waiting on one more clearance for active duty. When her phone vibrated on her small coffee table she rushed over to it. Olivia's face was on the screen. Not the call that she'd been hoping for but a very pleasant surprise indeed. A different type of butterflies floated as she answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, what you doing?!"

Amanda smiled at the excitement that she heard in Olivia's voice. _What's got her all excited?_ "Not much. Better question what are _you_ doing?"

"Getting ready for, _work_. Work! It's been a while since I've been able to say that."

"Yeah, I know…"

Olivia could hear in Amanda's tone that something was bothering her. They both had been waiting for the moment to get back to work. So, the brunette was confused as to why her partner didn't seem excited. "What's wrong? You're not excited?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just haven't been cleared by Huang yet. I'm supposed to be hearing from his office soon."

"Oh…" _Wish I would've known that before my over excited call._ "I'm sorry, I didn't know that you hadn't heard yet."

"It's ok. I'll know soon."

Liv knew that her partner was beyond worried but was trying to play it cool. _Distract her._ "Why don't we grab a coffee or something?"

 _I'd rather have a whisk—no Amanda. No whiskey._ "Yeah that sounds good."

"Our spot in thirty?"

"Sounds good to me. See you, soon."

Amanda ended the call with a smile on her face. _Our spot. I like the sound of that._ For the moment, the only thing worrying her was, what she was going to wear. Yes, it was silly, given the fact that Olivia had literally seen her worse. However, this was the beginning of their new chapter and everything was still fresh and new. After finally deciding on an outfit, Amanda headed to _their_ spot. When she turned onto the block of the coffee house, she spotted Olivia outside on the phone. She wasn't close enough to hear what she was saying but her antics and gestures, were pretty clear. Liv was pissed. So, she sped up to see what was going on. Amanda made it there just in time, catching the end of her call before the abrupt end.

"It's Detective, goddammit!"

 _Whoa!_ "Hey, hey what's going on?" asked the confused blonde.

Olivia recognized the familiar voice. It was the only thing that kept, from throwing and destroying her phone. The brunette took a breath before she turned to face Amanda. "I just found out that, I'm not cleared for active duty."

 **Thanks for reading! SN: To my anon, that understands I'm busy but also made sure to let me know that I'd be responsible for an innocent girl's death if I didn't hurry (no pressure tho). Hopefully, you're alive, well and enjoying the first chapter of the sequel! ;) SN: To my other friends, yes backstories/histories will be addressed. Thanks again.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Happy New Year! Doing a little jumping around this chapter, hope it's not too confusing. Picking up two days before the end of chapter one. Thanks for sticking with me! Enjoy!**

 **Amanda's session…**

"Detective Rollins, it might help to just say whatever it is that you feel is too terrible to say. This is our fourth session and you've made progress but you're at a crossroads right now. I've heard it all. I'm here to help, not judge you. I can see you struggling, with whatever your withholding."

Their sessions had taken a drastic change for the better, since the day Rollins stormed out. The detective was eager to get back to work, and knew that the only way to return would to be cleared by Huang. Olivia's words were burned into her brain, _"I want us to walk in together"._ The thought of not being cleared scared her more than revealing her innermost secrets. Work was a steadying calm to her madness. She made the decision to cooperate after her epic storm out. Things had changed immensely since that day. The weight that kept falling off, after every session was cathartic. However, she still hadn't told a soul, Olivia included, about her darkest secret. The secret that almost caused her to execute Lawrence.

"Detective?" Huang called out to make sure that, she was still there with him. Despite the far off look in her eyes.

"Yeah," she refocused on the Dr. and waited for him to repeat his question.

"What is it that you're not saying? It's obviously bothering you."

The detective exhaled deeply. Gathering her thoughts before replying. "Lawrence brought out a part of me that I thought had died a long time ago."

"Go on."

"I killed a man when I was only thirteen years old." The doctor kept silent, with a neutral expression on his face while she explained. "My mother, she's, well…men. Her and men don't mix. The ones that she invites into her life, are the kind that I arrest and put into prison. You know the type, right?"

"Yes."

"My mother's flavor of the month at the time, Earl, was a total piece of shit. He'd beat her for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Unprovoked and just because he was an angry, miserable bastard. If anything went wrong in his life, he'd blame her and take it out on all of us. My brother Josh, got it the worst. He was our protector. Josh was five years older than me and totally unthreatened by Earl. He was eighteen and tired of taking shit from Mom's loser boyfriends." Amanda paused, as the memories flooded her brain.

Huang noticed the distressed look on her face. "Do you need a minute, Detective?"

"Josh jumped in one day when Earl was beating on my mother. They went at it for a while. Josh kicked his ass. Earl was so pissed, he made my mother put him out the next day while Josh was at work. She put all of his stuff on the street and Earl burned it."

"That's a difficult environment, for a young girl to be raised in. Research shows that, men like Earl only escalate. Typically embarrassed by their uselessness or other shortcomings. The inadequacy, often led to rage. Needing someone to take their anger out on, their partner, and/or children were usually the targets."

"Useless, yeah, you can say that." The detective was only able to take in small bits of what Huang was saying. Her mind was flooded with the terrible memories of her so-called childhood. "A week after he kicked Josh out, I shot him. I got home from school one day, he was beating on my Mom, as usual. Kim, my sister, was screaming so loud that I could hear her before I even made into our house. I ran in and saw Kim holding her face crying, while Earl was beating the hell out of my mother. My instincts took over and I jumped on his back, trying to stop him. I was punching, biting, anything to make him stop. He flung me across the room with ease. I don't know how long I as out but when I came to, Josh's shotgun was poking out of the of the closet besides me. He taught me how to use a gun when I was very young."

Huang shifted in his chair, as Amanda shared her deepest secrets. This wasn't how he expected the session to go but he was all ears. Attentive and engaged. While making, her feel safe, in a judgement free zone. He wanted to chime in but saw that she was on a roll. So, he decided to let her keep going, before interjecting.

"I was out of it, after my head hit the wall. I came to, in excruciating pain but I was too terrified to worry about it. Terrified of what Earl would do next. Terrified that he would kill my mom in front of us. So, I reacted. I picked up the gun and yelled, 'get off her, before I blow your ass away.' He laughed at me. My mom tried to diffuse the situation and he punched her again. She was out, cold. Then he charged toward me and I shot. I shot, him." Amanda paused for a moment and closed her eyes. This was her first time talking about it, since telling her story to the detectives on the case.

"Seems like you were destined to protect and serve."

She looked up at him, incredulously. "Excuse me? I killed a man that I hated and don't regret it. Wish I could do it all over again. Wouldn't hesitate if I had to. That's like, the opposite of being a cop."

"You risked your young, thirteen-year old life to save your mother and sister. The presence of mind, to reach a weapon, while under extreme pressure. I stand by my previous statement. Your feelings about the deceased is irrelevant. You didn't shoot him because you hated him. You protected yourself and your family."

"Thought about shooting him, before that day. A lot, actually." Her frankness couldn't be contained. Huang had gotten her to open up and there was plenty to say. After so much had been bottled up for so long. "And if it wasn't for Liv, Lawrence would've died before making it to the operating table..."

 **Present time…**

"I just found out that, I'm not cleared for active duty."

That revelation, caught Amanda completely off guard. She had been so preoccupied. Worrying about herself, that Olivia being cleared wasn't even on her radar. The unexpected news, had her at a loss for words. She thought that the roles would be reversed. Olivia would be cleared, while she was denied to return. Especially, after her last over sharing session with Dr. Huang. So, hearing that news about her partner, had her unprepared for giving a supportive, positive response. Allowing her unpolished, blunt reactions to flow.

"That's fucking bullshit!" She was beside herself, as she fired off the ultimate question. "Why the hell aren't you cleared for active duty?!"

"Something about my shoulder. I-I don't know…" Olivia was barely keeping it together. She paced as her mind raced. The news had totally blindsided her.

Amanda saw her, usually together partner, slowly unwinding. She needed to get her own anger under control, so she could be there for Olivia. "Hey…" she walked over to where Liv was pacing and put a hand on her shoulder. "Take a breath." The brunette stopped, mid pace and inhaled deeply. She repeated the gesture a few more times. Each breath more calming than the one before.

"I'm alright, I'm alright," she repeated the phrase twice. Trying to convince herself more so than her partner.

"Ok…" Amanda suppressed her anger and questions. Giving Olivia the opportunity to try and make some sense of it all.

A few more moments of silence passed by before Liv spoke again, "Cragen called to apologize. He knew before I did. He said that I can come in but have to ride the desk until I'm medically cleared. After I hung up with him, I called my Physical Therapist's office. You saw how that ended…" Her back was still to Amanda, while she talked. Saying everything out loud just made it all so very real and even more terrible. "I, uhm…think I'm going to head home."

Amanda gently spun her around so that they were face to face. However, the brunette kept her eyes toward the pavement. "You sure? I could co—"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Not feeling the best. Need a moment alone. I'll text you."

Amanda barely felt the quick peck on her cheek, before Olivia was walking away, in the opposite direction. The detective stood there, in front of 'their' spot, watching. Feeling helpless. The main thing that had been helping them through the trauma, was the anticipation of going back to work. She couldn't imagine receiving the rejecting news. It was what she'd been fearing. Not getting cleared while Olivia was. Now the roles were reversed and she felt just as bad. And to top it off, Olivia didn't want or need her comfort.

The powerless feeling couldn't be shaken. How was it that Olivia could always make her feel better but she couldn't help in Liv's time of need? The brunette was completely out of eye shot. On top of everything else that Amanda was feeling, that pesky restlessness, had crept back in. The feeling would pop-up anytime that she was anxious or stressed. The thought of not being what or enough for Olivia, had her anxiety working overtime. She was walking back toward her apartment, when the last place that she needed to be, caught her attention. Without even thinking twice, the troubled detective found herself entering a smoky bar. She took a seat at the bar facing the entrance, as a friendly waiter approached.

"Hi, welcome to _Mission Last Call_! How can I help you?"

Amanda rolled her eyes at the overly, perky woman. Also, at the dumb name. Which didn't go unnoticed by the bartender. "JD on the rocks and keep 'em coming."

"Will do. I'm Brooke, let me know if you need anything."

Olivia had finally made it back to her apartment. She decided to walk. Clearing her head, along the way. The walk and time alone to think, had actually done some good. She realized, after being completely honest with herself that, she indeed wasn't quite ready for full duty, physically yet. Anything could happen or go wrong on the street. Being one arm down was problematic, to say the least. The detective knew that she'd be putting herself and partner in jeopardy by not being one hundred percent. The more she thought about it rationally, the more she accepted the decision. So, Olivia decided to focus her energy on the positive. At least, she was going back to work.

Feeling a little better than earlier, the thought about how she just walked away from Amanda came to her remembrance. The shock of the news, caused her to react strongly. Nevertheless, Olivia hated that she didn't respond in a better way. After all, Amanda was only trying to be there for her. She felt bad and needed to smooth things out before work the next day. Liv grabbed her phone to make the call.

 **At the bar…**

"And now I think I love her. So, I'm totally screwed because I'm a mess," slurred the blonde to her new bestie Brooke, the bartender.

"No, you're not. Liv knows what you're going through, she's probably going through it too. I think you should just tell her how you feel."

"Ha, you're crazy. What do you want me to say, 'hey Liv, I think I kinda, sorta love you'?"

"Maybe leave out some of the adjectives but yes, tell her."

"I can't. I'd be a terrible girlfriend. I didn't even know how to be there for her, today. She was so upset. I'm normally the mess. She usually has her shit _together_. Always in control, always know the right things to say. She's that type."

"Mmmhmm," Brooke nodded her head in agreement.

"Yeah but today, I walked up on her losing it. And I couldn't help. She wanted to be alone. She doesn't need me. Not like I need her…" Amanda finished off her drink and let her head rest on the bar.

"You're really bumming me out, Amanda." The detective's phone flashed and buzzed on the bar top, getting Brooke's attention. The peppy bartender let out a shriek. "Amanda! Get up! It's her, it's Liv! Hurry, answer it!"

Nearly scared half to death, thanks to Brooke's antics. Amanda took a deep breath before answering. While the overly involved bartender, watched her like a hawk. "Hello?"

"Hey…" Olivia's voice was soft and timid. "I uhm, I owe you an apology for earlier."

"Don't. You don't have to…" Amanda's voice was less than certain. The liquor mixed with her feelings, had her extra emo. Olivia picked up on the distressed tone, mixed with something else that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"I pushed you away and I'm sorry, Amanda."

"It's fine, really it is. You got some rough news and needed your space to process. I get it."

"Tell her how you feel!" said Brooke in an exaggerated, whisper.

"Shhhh," Amanda covered the phone, as she shushed the overzealous bartender.

"Who was that?"

"Tell her, Amanda," mouthed Brooke.

"Shut the hell up, damnit."

"Amanda? Hello?" asked a confused Olivia.

"Y-yeah, I'm here. It's just, uhm. Well I'm kind of like, maybe…"

"Are you busy? Sounds chaotic. Want me to call you la—"

They both spoke at the same time.

"…love you."

 **Thanks for reading. Feedback would be nice.**


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda ended the call abruptly and slammed the phone down on the bar. She was mortified. How could she just blurt something so serious out, so spontaneously? In the middle of a smoky bar, drunk off her ass. Embarrassed didn't even begin to describe what she felt. The blonde finished off another shot and paid her tab. Brooke, the bartender, was trying to reason and talk with the distressed detective but she wasn't having any of it. She exited the bar in a hurry. The crisp night air hit her face, as she inhaled deeply. Everything was blurry and unsteady. Nearly jumping out of her skin, when her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was Olivia. Amanda didn't want to talk but she knew that Liv would worry if she didn't answer.

 _Keep it together, Amanda. Just keep it togeth—I'm gonna be sick._ This was not the conversation that she wanted to be having, totally wasted. The inebriated woman took one last breath before answering. "Hello?"

"Hey, what happened? I could barely hear you, then the line died. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, stupid call dropped or something."

"Or something? I couldn't hear at all. It was pretty loud on your end…" Olivia was fishing. Curious as to where the other woman was, at such a late hour.

"You couldn't hear _anything_?" Amanda took her turn to fish.

"No. The last thing I heard, was you yelling 'shut the hell up', then we got cut off."

 _Oh, thank God._ Amanda was beyond relieved that Olivia didn't hear the outburst. "Oh, I wasn't saying that to you. Brooke wouldn't stop talking and I was trying—"

"Brooke?"

"Mmmhmm, Brooke not you…" there was silence on the other end. That's when it dawned on her, that Liv was asking a question. Blame it on the alcohol. "Brooke's the ba—ahem, waitress. She was my waitress. That's why it was uhm loud, earlier." _It's kind of the truth. Ugh, I'm the worst._

The breaks in the story mixed with the slurred speech, told Olivia the truth. However, she was not going to push the issue or judge. Her reason for calling was to apologize and make sure that her partner was ok. So, that was the only thing on her agenda. No need to make things even more awkward.

"Oh, ok. Well, what I was trying to say earlier is, that it was wrong for me to just leave like that. I should've handled the situation differently. Hope you're not too mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. I was worried and pissed at the situation but more importantly, I just wanted to be helpful. For whatever you needed." The blonde rested her head against the window of the cab she'd hailed. Teary eyed, emotional and vulnerable. "I've been thinking about you ever since the coffee shop. Like a lot. How are you?"

"You know what? I'm actually feeling, ok with everything. After my tantrum…" The self-deprecating humor was present in the brunette's voice at that statement before continuing. "I thought about it and it's the right decision. I can't be out on the street, anything less than one hundred percent. And it wasn't a shock that physically, I've been less than. You and I, already knew that truth. Even if you were too kind and didn't express it, verbally. I'm not one hundred percent. I can barely swim the length of the pool. Definitely struggled at holding the bag steady, during our last couple of workouts at the gym. So, I've come to terms with and accepted the decision. After all, we still get to walk in together, tomorrow as planned. Right?"

The tears were no longer at bay. A few stained her cheeks, as she attempted to normalize her voice. The emotion thick. "Right," was the only response, that she could verbalize.

Liv heard the sadness in that single word. Triggering emotions that'd been felt throughout her 'processing'. "I needed you today…" after a silent beat, she continued. "After leaving you earlier, I walked into my empty apartment. And I realized something. I don't like being alone anymore. I realized, that I don't _need_ to be alone."

"You don't have to be," asserted Amanda. That was something that never wavered. Intoxicated or sober. She knew that for long as Olivia would allow, she'd be there. "I'm here, Liv." The brunette nodded in agreement but her lack of words left Amanda hanging. "Liv?"

"I'm nodding."

That put a smile on the blonde's face as she exited the cab, headed into her apartment. "I just walked into my sad, dull, empty apartment. Nope, not a fan."

Olivia laughed and agreed, "I know what you mean. Makes me miss the condo."

"Oh, my gosh yes. I don't think I'll ever stay anywhere that nice again in my life."

"I know." Silence followed the lighthearted trip down memory lane before Liv spoke again. "I'm here, too. For the good and the bad. I'm here and I can handle _whatever_. You know that, right?"

Silence.

"Amanda?"

"I'm nodding."

Liv smirked at 'her' words before changing the subject. "Big day tomorrow…"

The blonde sighed, "Yeah."

"Nervous?"

"Anxious. You?"

"Anxious sums it up, pretty much. A few nerves here or there."

"Yeah…"

"Now that I know you're not mad at me, I can relax now."

"Definitely not mad."

"Good. Try to get _some_ sleep, ok."

"Deal. You do the same. Goodnight, Liv."

"Goodnight." Liv end the call and tossed her phone to the side, as she got comfortable in bed. Eyes fixed on the ceiling, mind at ease, she whispered into the void. "Think I love you, too."

The anticipated day was finally upon the detectives. The remainder of the night had gone without incident for both. Now it was time, to re-enter into the daily grind of the 1-6. No more time for nerves or uncertainty. It was time to walk into that squad room confident and strong. Letting your superiors and peers know that you still belong there. Like clockwork, both ladies met in the downstairs lobby at 7:45 sharp. Something they worked out via text earlier that morning. To literally, walk in together.

"Detective Benson."

"Detective Rollins, good morning."

"Morning."

"For you," Olivia extended the cup toward the other woman.

"Thank you," she took a sip, instantly regretting it. It took sheer determination to keep from spitting out the beverage. "What the hell is this?!"

Liv couldn't even pretend not to laugh at her partner's dramatics. "Oh, sorry. That must be _my_ soy chai tea latte. Here, this is yours. Sorry about that."

"You totally did that on purpose."

"Hmmm? No clue what you're talking about…"

"No clue, huh? Riiigghhttt."

They kept up the silly banter throughout the elevator ride. They stopped walking, a few feet away from the squad room. A comfortable silence fell upon them as they both took a deep breath. It had been months since they'd been in the building. One last breath to rid, the last remaining pesky butterflies. They looked at each other, silently agreeing, in sync and on the same page. They entered the room leaving everything else at the door.

"Hey, look who's back?" greeted Nick as he made his way over to his partner.

"It's our favorite faux, Sapphic lovers."

Rollins rolled her eyes, she knew that was coming. Especially from Munch. She remembered how he teased them during their undercover ops.

"Shut up, Munch. Welcome back ladies," chimed in Fin.

"Yeah, welcome back. Hasn't been the same around here without you," agreed Amaro.

"Thanks, guys. It's good to be back," said Olivia.

"I second that."

"Welcome back, Detectives." Everyone turned to the sound of Captain Cragen's voice. A few indistinct cheers and whistles followed his words. After it died down, people scattered and went back to work. The Captain got Benson and Rollins' attention before they went to their desks, "Detectives, my office." They exchanged a curious look before following him into the office. He closed the door behind them and took a seat behind his desk. "Have a seat. Again, welcome back."

"Thanks, Captain."

"I called you in here to let you know that I'm going to have you both on modified duty for a while."

"But Captain—"

"This is not up for discussion. This is to help your transition back into the squad. Things have changed around here. We've got two new detectives with a lot to learn. Show them the ropes. They're your new temporary partners. Rollins you've got D'Antoni. Benson you've got Wright. When they have to hit the streets, they will be paired with Fin and Amaro. Any questions?"

Neither detective responded. They were trying to absorb everything that was just said. Cragen knew that he'd blindsided them. "Look, this is not a punishment. You just got through hell and this job is hard enough without anything else on top of it. You deserve to be here and I want you here. Just…take it slow."

"Yes, sir. Thanks Captain," said Rollins.

"Yes, thank you Captain."

"You're welcome. Now go and find your partners, Munch has the assignments." They were walking out the door when Cragen's voice stopped them. "One more thing. You both have been nominated for the NYPD Combat Cross. That's all."

The Combat Cross is the second highest departmental award for the NYPD. This came as a shock to the detectives. Medals or awards weren't on their radars. That night was about survival. To be honored for fighting for your life seemed strange but it was an incredible honor nonetheless.

"Holy shit," said Rollins in disbelief.

"Indeed."

They were shocked. The events of that night, was burned into their memory forever. The bad and the terrible. This news put a strange spin on things. Especially considering some of the things that happened that night. Things that aren't exactly award worthy. The women barely had a moment to take it in, before two zealous men bombarded them with introductions.

"Hey, Detective Rollins. I'm D'Antoni, Luca D'Antoni. Nice to finally meet you. Heard nothing but good things." The new detective was tall, athletically built, in his mid-thirties. Dark curly hair, brown eyes with a deep Italian accent. His presence came across very strong.

"Amanda Rollins. Nice to meet ya," she extended her hand out to her new partner.

"Woah, someone's accent is thicker than mines," joked D'Antoni. He was the only one out the four to actually laugh. "Nice to meet you as well, Detective Benson. You're like Mother Teresa around this friggin' place."

"Nice to meet you, D'Antoni," she smiled and shook his hand. Then turned her attention to the other man. "So, that means you must be Wright. Olivia Benson, welcome."

"Jesse Wright." The new detective shook Benson's hand. He seemed reserved, cold even. 6'3, fancy-tailored suit, low fade haircut. Looked as if he should be playing for the Knicks or Giants. Not investigating crimes,

"Ok… Guys will you excuse us for a second? I need to discuss something with Detective Rollins."

"Sure, no problem. Take your time, we'll be waiting." D'Antoni was still talking when they turned the corner, exiting the squad room.

Amanda checked to make sure they were alone in the restroom before she started talking. "Holy shit."

"I know. What the hell just happened?" asked the brunette as she paced back and forth.

"Desk duty, medal talk, annoying new partners. A lot happened. I don't know how to feel about the medal. I'm not so sure I deserve—"

"No. Don't even. Look, we can't get into this right now. We've got to get back out there. So, I'm going to cliff note it. We're not going to judge ourselves. It's an honor. Today is a good day. And, tonight…we're celebrating. Come on, let's go. Our 'partners' are waiting."

 **Later that night…**

"No, it's not like that," laughed Olivia.

"Yes, it is. Munch is always making those types of comments about you," explained Amanda.

"He does it because he knows that it bothers you. Stop reacting and he'll cut it out. Well… maybe, you never know with Munch." She laughed again.

"Fine. I'll try to ignore him."

A brief silence occurred while Olivia wondered, how to ask the next question. "Have you, uhm…given any thought about if—nothing, never mind." She got up from the couch abruptly and took their dishes to the sink.

"Hey, what is it?" Amanda followed behind her.

"Nothing, it's nothing," still fidgeting with dishes, avoiding.

"Liv, look at me." The brunette obliged. "What were you going to say?"

"You won't freak out?"

"No," she took Liv's hand and led them back over to the couch. "Talk to me."

"I think Nick knows…about us. He is very observant. I brushed him off, though. You and I are still figuring things out and we haven't talked about work yet. How we'd want to handle it or whatever. What do you think?"

"Woah, ok…wasn't expecting that." Amanda took a breath, after being caught off guard. Giving herself time to really think about her answer. "First off, he's totally obsessed with you, that's why he noticed."

"Amanda—"

"Secondly, I think we should handle it like any other relationship. I didn't know anything about your personal life before because you kept it separate. It'd be different if we lived together or engaged or m—" she stopped abruptly. Without freaking out, she backtracked. "I didn't mean—"

"I know what you mean. And I totally agree with you. We're on the same page."

"Ok good."

"Now that's out of the way, can we get back to the part where you've got us married with 2.5 kids," laughed Olivia. Dodging pillows flying towards her head.

"Jerk."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. You got so red, trying so hard not to freak out. It was pretty cute."

"Shut up." Amanda closed the small distance between them on the couch. A subtle smirk on her face as she placed a kiss on the brunette's lips. Chaste and sweet was how it began, before desire and exploration took over. Olivia tilted her head, taking control as well as deepening the kiss. Soft lips and tongues cascaded together deliciously, until lungs demanded air. Amanda opened her eyes. Finding the hottest pair of brown eyes blazing fire, deadlocked onto her.

"I should make fun of you more often if this is the punishment…" Olivia's assertion was said in a breathy, husk tone.

"Maybe you should." Amanda took a moment, just to appreciate the vision sitting beside her. Starting at eyes that made her swoon. Traveling to lips, she didn't think, she'd ever tire of kissing. Finally, landing on cleavage that filled her mind with complete lust. The blonde scooted to her side of the couch after her mind started to drift into the gutter.

"Uh, oh. I know that look. Don't freak out on me now."

"I'm not. Seriously, I'm not. It's just…"

"Yeah?"

"When you kiss me like that, it makes me think of things. Things that we haven't discussed yet…"

Olivia was relieved to know that instead of running away, Amanda was willing to talk about the next step in their relationship. "Well, as the saying goes. There's no time like the present."

 **Thanks for reading! Special shout out to sheepish123 for the advice! I appreciate it. I'm excited for the next chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Two days earlier, at Olivia's session…**

"What? You think it's crazy? A big mistake, right?"

"The question is, how do _you_ feel about it?" Huang was doing the typical doctor, reverse psychology shtick.

"I mean, it's kind of crazy. A relationship to come out of an undercover assignment. It's like the plot of a bad romantic comedy or worse, a bad fanfic or something. It's insane, not to mention the other factors." Olivia was clearly flustered and trying to make sense of the situation.

"But it's probably your most intense and extensive undercover operation, to date. It was an unusual experience. You two had to be so close and in sync. You lived together for months, learning and sharing things with each other. Things that you probably have never shared with anyone else, except each other. So, it's really not as uncommon as you'd like to think. Let me ask you this, Detective. What about a possible relationship with Detective Rollins, is so troubling?"

"Everything. I'm a mess. She's a mess. She's a she. We were attacked. I'm used to being alone. We work together. It's confusing. Are we feeling these things because of what we went through? Or are the feelings real?" She paused for a minute, to think. "No. I know what I feel. They feel real to me. I care about her, I really do." Olivia was talking to herself, more so than talking to the patient doctor. After more rambling, she finally directed a question towards him. "Ok. I need you to tell me how to do this. How do I just say to hell with the 'what ifs'…how?"

Huang looked at Olivia and saw the distress on her face. "I don't have any magical words for you, Detective. If you truly want to pursue a future with someone, you have to get out of your head. There will always be reasons not to move forward." He slid his chair closer to the woman sitting before him. "Olivia, stop looking for reasons not to try and focus on the reason why you're even considering the possibility. Consider, that it's what you want. Also, consider it just might be exactly what you _need_ …"

 **Present time…**

"I can barely look at you, right now. This is so awkward," expressed Amanda. Uncomfortable, was an understatement.

Olivia was still flushed from the heated moment, they shared earlier. The anticipation of what they were going to discuss, kept that blush on her cheeks. Through her own discomfort, Olivia managed to put the other woman at ease. The impending conversation that they were going to have was important and necessary.

"It doesn't have to be awkward. Just talk to me. More importantly," Liv closed the distance that Amanda had created between them. "Look at me. It's only you and I here. So, relax and just talk to me."

 _Oh, my gosh. Why did she have to get so close? Focus, Amanda. Just let it flow._ "I don't know how to be all like, coy or whatever. I'm from the south, we're blunt and that's the only way I know how to be." She took a breath before she blurted out what she wanted to say. "I'm very attracted to you and I want you. It's weird because I don't know all the 'ins and outs' but I know how I feel. I also know, the assault is still fresh and that makes this even more complicated. All of that aside, when you kiss me like you did a minute ago…" Amanda gave the brunette sitting beside her, a look that conveyed the rest of her sentence. "So, yeah. You know how I feel and I need to know how you're feeling. Like, I really need to know." Her nervousness made its presence, once again.

Olivia looked at the woman beside her. The confident, unsure, nervous, beautiful blonde, laying it all on the line. No masks or pretense. The feeling touched something deep within Olivia. Something that had been missing from her life, for some time now. Passion. Instead of using her words, Liv let her actions speak. She pulled Amanda in, the modesty long gone. Desire took over, as she claimed her partner's lips. The surprise of the kiss caught Amanda off guard but she recovered quickly, giving back as much as she was getting. Soft lips melded together as one. While, inquisitive tongues explored. After being temporarily sated, they broke apart, never losing eye contact.

"I hope that helped to explain how I feel."

Amanda's head was spinning from that kiss. So, it took her a minute to form words. "Yes, yes it did." Then suddenly, the blonde rose to her feet, searching for her keys and phone. The abruptness, confused Olivia but Amanda didn't leave her in the dark for long. "I'm going to go," she saw Liv about to interject but she stopped her. "Trust me. I am _not_ running away from you. But—"

"But what?"

"But, I can't stay with you tonight."

"Why not?"

"Because…" the blonde closed the distance between them, tilted her head upright and kissed Olivia yet again. Their lips melded together beautifully. Triggering other desires that a kiss couldn't satiate, "I can't promise you that I'll stay on my side of the bed tonight," one last peck and Amanda left, with unfinished business.

Olivia closed the door and rested her head on it. Everything that'd happened, raced through her mind. The night had been a pivotal moment of their relationship, since the pretending had ended. Not only had they owned their feelings, they were planning what was next. More specifically, the physical part of their relationship. It was unfamiliar territory for both but overthinking took a back seat to the new-found passion of their togetherness. Even though she wanted Amanda to stay. Olivia was more than relieved to know that it wasn't because of the need to run away. That fact along with the dalliances of the night, put Liv in a great mood before going to bed.

The next morning arrived and Amanda felt energized, eager for work. One reason being, she knew that the woman who'd starred in her risqué dreams, the night before was going to be there. Dreams that caused an instant blush every time she'd think of them. Dreams she didn't even know would be something to look forward, into making a reality, soon. _Damn, I really want— no, stop it. Mind out of the gutter. Not at work, Amanda._ The other reason was, work kept her busy. Down time had proven to be an enemy as of late. She shook off the remaining thoughts of her dream and walked into the squad room.

"Mornin'," eagerly greeted D'Antoni.

Amanda fought the strong urge to roll her eyes. She didn't want to be rude, even if he was annoying and came on too strong. "Morning, D'Antoni." She made sure to pronounce her 'g', knowing how much he liked to mock her drawl. Diverting the attention from his thick accent.

"Please, call me Luca. We're partners. Right, Amanda?" He saw the look on her face. A look that she just couldn't suppress. It definitely got her point across, without having to say a single word. The young man readjusted his misstep quickly. "On the other hand, D'Antoni is just fine, Detective Rollins."

"Relax, D'Antoni. Her bark…well scowl is bigger than her bite." Teased Fin, as _his_ partner shot him the same look. The new detective noticed it and made himself disappear, leaving them alone. After D'Antoni was out of earshot, Fin spoke. "It wasn't the same here without you. I'm glad you're back, Amanda. _You_ are back, right?"

She loved and hated how well Fin knew her. He saw past the bs and facades. And she'd gotten really good at hiding behind them but he knew better. That's why she answered his question carefully and honestly. Lying wouldn't benefit him or her. "It hasn't been an easy road but yes. I'm back, Fin. Please, stop worrying about me."

"Not going to happen."

Across the room, Olivia was also having an undesired 'check-up' with Nick. He cornered her, soon as she walked in. Her first stop was going to be Amanda's desk but Nick and his questions had other plans. The concerned detective was going down his list of questions, as she tried to reassure him. However, she'd been his partner long enough to know that there wasn't an easy or short way to put his mind at ease.

"How's the shoulder/arm?" asked Amaro.

"It's good. My PT is going well. I should be back on the streets with you soon."

"Good. I like it better when it's you and I pulling all-nighters. Not Mr. Humblebrag Wright."

"Getting along well with your new partner, I see." Olivia's words were bathed in sarcasm.

"Hey, don't call him that, alright?" Nick didn't find her teasing amusing, at all. He missed _his_ partner and was eager for her to be back and one hundred percent. "Seriously though, a lot has happened since you've been gone. I need someone, I can depend on around here. So, please tell me that you'll be back soon."

She sensed something off in his tone, that alarmed her. She stepped closer to him and lowered her tone, "I'll be back with you soon, Nick. Never mind that, what's been going on with you? I can tell that something's bothering you."

He stepped back, trying to keep up his strong, macho-male allusion. "I'm good. Nothing I can't handle." The front usually worked on others but not Liv. The brunette saw through the cellophane. She was about to pry a little more before missing her opportunity.

"Hey, sorry to cut in. Can I steal her for a quick second?"

"She's all yours… I'll catch up with you later, Liv." Nick walked off, as she watched. Wondering what was bothering him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know y'all were in the middle of a thing—"

"No, it's fine," Liv watched him walk over toward the cribs. After he was out of eye sight, she turned to the awaiting person behind her, "Morning."

"Good morning. I didn't mean to bust up y'alls _moment._ " Amanda tried but failed to keep the annoyance out of her tone.

"It's fine, really. I will catch up with him later. So, what's up?"

"Cragen just told me that a reporter will be here in uh…about twenty minutes."

"A reporter? Why?" Olivia was beyond irritated and confused. She was at work to work, not give interviews.

"Combat Cross. They're doing a write up about us. I bitched and bitched to Cragen about but it didn't change his mind," shrugged Amanda.

"Ugh," Liv took a step back as she ran fingers through her locks. "You know, it's never going to be the same around here, again. Parties, interviews, awards, etc. Everyone is going to freakin' hate us!"

"I know. Two chicks getting the hero treatment is definitely going to piss off the good ol' boys. Along with isolating us from our unit. I mean, just look at the two newbies. One thinks we walk on water and the other says just enough to leave me guessing if he wants to hate or worship us." Amanda took a breath after that and tried to look at the silver lining. "At least, we're here at all. That's something…"

Olivia was staring at the floor when Amanda delivered a typical 'Benson' line. It surprised, intrigued and helped her to look at the bright side. Even if an interview was the last thing, she wanted to do. Hearing her partner, speak optimistically about something so trivial was exactly what she needed to hear. "Yes, it is something. You're absolutely right."

"No, you're right. When I found out about it earlier, I was a complete asshole. But before I took it too far, I breathed, calmed down and 'Benson'd' it. I tried to channel what you'd say and it worked. I took your imaginary words in my head and they made me come to terms with everything. So, _you_ were right." They stared at each other for a while. The connection undeniable before remembering where they were. Amanda cleared her throat and got back on task. "Right, so…yay the interview?"

"Yay, the interview," said Olivia as she followed her partner to the designated area.

Amanda closed the door after them, then took her seat. "Oh, by the way, Cragen gave us the rest of the day off after this."

"What?! Why? Oh, my go—"

"No, no, no. Don't freak. It's a good thing, because I'm taking you out tonight…" Olivia felt the butterflies fill her stomach. Amanda continued, "How about we get this out of the way, then for the rest of the day…just us?"

"Yes. Just us."

 **I know, I suck. I read all of your msgs and pms telling me so. The wait…I blame on life. Thanks for reading, anyhow. Hope you enjoyed it…especially after the wait.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Thank you for making the time for this interview, Detectives," stated the sharply dressed male reporter. He extended his hands towards the empty seats, "Please have a seat. I'm Grant Chambers and I don't plan on taking up too much of your time."

Liv shook his out stretched hand. "Olivia Benson."

"Amanda Rollins."

"Nice to meet you both. Quick confession; I lobbied hard to get chosen for this interview. I was incredibly moved by your story and desperately wanted to interview you. You're both heroes in my eyes."

"That's very nice but I certainly don't look at myself as a hero," firmly asserted Amanda.

"Well, how do you see yourself, Detective?"

"As a cop."

There was a bit of an edge to her voice that the journalist noticed. He didn't want to start off on the wrong foot, so he changed courses. "I'm not sure if you're aware but there has only been ten women to receive the Combat Cross since its conception. How do you feel about possibly joining that prestigious list Detective Benson?"

"Uh, I haven't really given it that much thought. Obviously, it would be an honor but the circumstances…I would gladly pass this honor up if it meant the incident, never happened. Gladly."

"Speaking of the 'incident', you went through quite an ordeal and you're just now rejoining your unit. Has there been a difference since being back?"

They looked at each other, seeing as he didn't specify the question. With a shrug the blonde took the question. "I mean not really—well I am sitting here talking with you. This isn't a normal day at the office," Chambers laughed at the dry wit. "It's kind of different but not in a bad way."

"Yeah, I agree."

"How have you coped with the terms of your own mortality? Especially considering the dire situation you were in recently."

 _Geez, who does he think he is, Oprah?_ "Look, as Detective Rollins stated earlier, we're cops. It's unpleasant to talk about but getting injured or worse is a very realistic part of our job. It's an occupational hazard. You have to compartmentalize that aspect and continue to protect and serve. It isn't easy but you have to or it'll consume you, resulting in ineffectiveness."

"Ok, I get that but in the moment. In that condo, your fate was in the hands on a sociopath. Did you consider, even for a tiny second, that you might not make it out alive?" inquired the reporter.

The question left both women speechless for a minute. After the silence a quiet, "Yes…" fell from Amanda's lips. Liv looked over to her, surprised that she answered so honestly. "Yes, I had a moment when I thought it was the end for me."

"How'd you shake that off and persevere?"

"Her," she pointed to the brunette sitting beside her. Chambers and Benson looked at her, not expecting that answer. "There was a moment, when I was tied to the bed barely conscious. I thought about just shutting my eyes and giving up. Just before I passed out again, I saw Liv on the floor bound to the chair." She unconsciously dropped her partner's nickname during the formal setting. It hadn't even occurred to her. The blonde was having a moment. "She was bruised and bloody but still fighting. So, I had to fight. Not only for myself but for her. I couldn't give up on her."

"Wow," Chambers was speechless and that's saying something for a professional talker. "That was…powerful. Thanks for sharing that, Detective Rollins." The reporter was so busy writing that he didn't notice the look being shared by the detectives.

"No problem."

"I think I've got more than enough for a story I'm sure you'd be proud of. Anything either of would like to add?"

"Yes," Olivia turned from Rollins back to Chambers, who looked up from his paper work. "Detective Rollins lied earlier."

"Uh, excuse me? Can you repeat that, Detective?"

"Yes. Detective Rollins lied earlier because she _is_ a hero. Deserving of every award/honor, she's being considered for. That's all."

A big smile stretched across the journalist's face. "Noted. Detectives, I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you. I want to personally thank you for your service and I'm honored that you took the time."

"No, thank you. This turned-out way better than I originally thought," said Benson as she shook his hand once again.

"Waaaay better," reemphasized Rollins.

He laughed at her antics. "I'm happy to hear that. Take care, Detectives."

Chambers closed the door behind him leaving the ladies alone. "You know how I feel about the 'h' word, Liv."

"What 'h' word? Harp? Hell? Ho? There are lots of 'h' words…"

"You're not funny. You know exactly what 'h' word I'm talking about and it ain't ho."

Olivia laughed at the blonde before she responded. "Look, you spoke your truth and I spoke mine. I meant every word, too. You know how I feel," she starred directly into Amanda's eyes with her statement. Conveying her emotions. "Now, get out of here before I do something very unprofessional."

She gave the brunette a shy smirk. Enjoying the flirting while having mutual feelings. "And we can't have that, Detective Benson…"

"No, we can't, Detective Rollins." A knock at the door interrupted them before things did get unprofessional.

"Yo, Liv—oh, uh sorry to interrupt."

"You're not interrupting. The interview is over. What's up, Nick?"

"Could use your help—"

"We're supposed to take off after the interview," said Amanda directed to Olivia. Cutting off whatever else Amaro had to say, unintentionally. He continued with what he had to say.

"It's a female vic, twenties. Seems a little apprehensive to talk. Figured she would feel more comfortable with you but you're leaving so…"

Olivia gave Amanda a look and she knew what was next. "Right behind you," said Benson as she followed Amaro out of the door. And Rollins wouldn't have it any other way.

The seasoned detective fell right back into her element. The young lady, Kelsey, opened up and disclosed the trauma she'd endured. Amaro and the newbie detectives watched through the window. Nick knew his partner would get her to open up, while D'Antoni and Wright got a front row viewing of the master class. Wondering how she got Kelsey to talk, when they'd been trying for almost an hour.

"Woah, I mean she barely said a word earlier and now. You think it's a chick thing?" asked D'Antoni in a not so subtle whisper.

"Definitely a chick thing," assured Wright.

"Actually, it's a Benson thing," corrected Amaro, hearing their poor attempt at a whisper. "So, shut up. Pay attention. Listen and you just might learn something. Might." The loyal partner put the newbies in their place, shutting them up.

Olivia left Kelsey in the interview room. She put away her notepad and briefed Amaro. "Well, she went through hell…"

"I heard. I'm glad you got her to consent to see a doctor. Especially since she hasn't showered."

"Yeah, hopefully we get some DNA. I'll grab my coat and we can head over to General."

Nick gently grabbed her arm, stopping her mid stride. "Uh, Liv?" She looked at him confused. Wondering what the hell he was doing. He stared a little longer hoping she'd catch his drift. She finally got the message.

"Yeah right, I forgot," she was clearly annoyed by the situation. Especially given the fact that she'd just bonded with the young vic. "Right. I'll go back in there and tell her the change of plans." _Damn desk duty._

Nick hated the new normal and he knew that his partner hated it too. "It won't be much longer, Liv."

"Hope you're right."

"I am," he asserted with confidence. Olivia gave him a nod and appreciated his support. The partners had a rough beginning but they had reached common ground. Trusting and respecting each other. Even though it had been months apart during the undercover op, they were still on the same page. That was important to both of the detectives. She mouthed 'thanks' as she re-entered the room. Nick watched her walk away, hoping things would indeed be normal soon.

 **Later that evening…**

"A gun range. Really?"

"Yes, really. I figured it'd be a nice change of pace. We're not fancy, power lesbians, anymore. No more extravagant museums, restaurants or VIP treatment. We're just normal, basic ass cops. I thought it'd be nice to act like it. Unless you've forgotten what that's like…" teased Amanda.

Olivia scoffed, instead of answering with words. She put on the designated headphones and eyewear. Once secure, she got into position. The detective worked out a few kinks in her neck, then focused on the target. Cocked her Glock and aimed it at the paper based target before her. Bullet after bullet connected as the brunette emptied her clip. After she finished, Liv pressed a button to bring the target sheet closer, for review.

"Hmmm, doesn't seem like I've forgotten at all, huh?" The brunette was pleased with her performance and her sass reflected it.

"Not bad, not bad at all. Well, not for a _celebrity_ cop that is," Amanda's sass game was also strong.

Olivia laughed heartily at the blonde for re-using Munch's joke from earlier. After their interview, he referred to them as celebrity cops. Due to, all of the attention they were receiving. "Oh, ok. Let's see you do better."

"Alright. Step back, please. I need some room but don't stray too far. You're not gonna want to miss this." She smiled at the brunette before she got to business. Before she even pressed the button to review the target, there was already a smug smile on her face. That didn't go unnoticed by Olivia.

"You're so cocky but at least you can back it up."

"This is my only area of expertise so, I pride myself on being King James of the gun range," teased the blonde. The joke totally going over Olivia's head.

"King James…the bible guy?"

Amanda could not contain her laughter. It was guttural and she couldn't stop. She was laughing so hard that it also made Liv laugh. Even if the joke was on her. "Oh, my god that was the best ever. Like, I will never not think of this when I come to the range, ever again. But no sweetheart, not the bible dude. King James as in LeBron James, basketball player. King James is his nickname."

Now, it was Olivia's turn to laugh uncontrollably. "I was hoping that I was mistaken. Because comparing your shooting to the author of the bible's writing just seemed, not quite right." She threw her head back and started up again.

Amanda joined in with her laughter. After the giggles died down, she looked at the woman beside her. "I think I—" the blonde stopped herself. She just couldn't say it. "I never thought I'd laugh like this again."

Olivia gazed into a sea of blue, seeing something else behind the words. However, she knew that pushing Amanda wasn't the way to go. "Neither did I."

Their words rang true. Laughs were few and in between after their attack except with each other. Everything was always much easier, when they were together. Three words were threatening to spill but the blonde kept them at bay. A change of scenery, was needed. "Come on, we're done here."

"Ok. Where are we going?"

"To the second part of our date. I'm cooking for you at my place. You know, like I use to do at the condo…"

"I'd like that."

They gathered their belongings and headed to Amanda's apartment. They rode in comfortable silence. A lot on the detective's mind. Olivia didn't make her nervous as much anymore but she was still nervous. Because whenever she would look into those dark brown eyes, she'd want to bare all of her innermost thoughts. Making her feel incredibly vulnerable. Not because it wasn't true but because her ultimate fear was that Liv wouldn't feel the same or worse. She pushed those thoughts aside and tried remain present in the moment.

"Come in, make yourself comfortable," said Amanda after they entered her apartment. The detective busied herself, with getting everything in order for dinner. "It won't be long before dinner's ready. Healthy crap doesn't take a lot of time. But it sucks…" the last bit was mumbled under her breath.

"Hey, I heard that. Just wait, you won't always be able to get away with eating everything you want while looking like that," Olivia gestured to the blonde's slim figure. "So, enjoy it while you can."

"Oh please, you look great. The green juice is working for ya. But if eating grass and drinking that goop is what it takes, bring on the lbs."

Liv chuckled, "We'll see if you still feel the same way in ten years. I can't wait."

That statement caused her to stop what she was doing and look at the other woman. Who was oblivious, to the bomb she'd just dropped. A part of her wanted to be hopeful but the pessimistic side took over and won the internal debate. "Yeah right, ten years. Probably won't even have anything to do with me after this year…" scoffed Amanda softly to herself but not soft enough.

"Why do you always do that?" Olivia's tone had an edge to it.

"Do what?" The blonde miserably feigned ignorance.

"Doubt every freakin' thing I say!" Liv was fed up and needed to get some things off her chest. "Granted, I can't guarantee the future but you won't even allow me to be optimistic. Why is that?"

"Because—"

"Because you're scared!"

"I'm not sc—"

"You. Are. Scared." The worked-up brunette was on a roll but she wanted Amanda to really hear her. "You're scared, Amanda but you shouldn't to be. I'm not out to hurt you. I'm trying to love you…"

 **Thanks for reading. Feedback=awesomeness.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Picking up where we left off (kind of) with a few jumps in between. Hopefully it won't be too confusing and you'll enjoy.**

"I'm trying to love you…" Olivia closed the remaining distance between them. "All you have to do is let me."

Amanda looked into those intense, deep, dark brown eyes and saw everything that she needed to see. She saw someone who, really loved and cared for her in a way that no one else ever had. That realization made her heart swell. The sincerity in Liv's words and eyes took away her remaining nerves. She allowed herself to get lost in those eyes and spoke honestly, without reservation.

"You're so beautiful. Physically, you're stunning. It's very overwhelming at times—"

"Amanda, please don't—" Liv was uncomfortable with the flattery but the blonde ignored her and kept going.

"Beyond your obvious attractiveness, you are so much more. You're loyal. You're a friend. A fighter. A defender. A protector. Everything. You're everything that I never knew, I wanted or needed until things changed. I'm so happy they changed because I don't want to remember what my life was like without you."

"I can't imagine my life without you, either."

Amanda got even closer, to the beautiful brunette. "I love you, Olivia. I've been loving you for some time now but I was too…I don't know. But that doesn't matter now. What does matter is, I love. And I want to show you just how much…" Her words were bathed in lust. The brazen detective took her partner's hand. Guiding them to her bedroom. Once inside the room, her remaining inhibitions faded. While her confidence boosted. "Sit down, over there."

Olivia followed the command, despite her uncertainness. "You sure about thi—"

"Shhhh…" Amanda silenced her partner with action. As she removed her top, followed by jeans. She made eye contact with the stunned woman, watching. Fear long gone, she shed the remaining undergarments. She stood there in her natural glory before Olivia for the first time. And instead of the vulnerability she'd expected to feel. All, Amanda felt was safe. "I'm yours, Liv. All yours…"

"Rollins! Hey Amanda! You hear me?" Fin snapped his fingers in her face. Putting a halt to her day dreaming. Trying to get her attention. It was clear that she was somewhere else, miles away from the 1-6.

"Sorry, Fin. What's up?"

"Nothing, but we were talking and you just spaced out on me. You good?"

"Yeah, I'm fi—"

"Fine," Fin finished his partner's word. "Yeah, you're always 'fine', Amanda. But whatever's going on with you, is starting to show. And it ain't 'fine'." Before Rollins had a chance to respond, the person she wanted to see more than anything, interrupted.

"Hey Fin," Olivia's eyes were on the file in her hands, as she walked into the media room. "Can I see your notes on the Kelsey Baldwin case—" she looked up from the folder. Not expecting to see _those_ , blue eyes locked on her. "Oh, I didn't uh—know you were busy. Sorry to interrupt." After gathering herself, Liv addressed the male detective. "Fin, when you're free, I'd like a minute. I need to run something by you." With that final statement, the detective left, headed back to her desk. Just before she got out of earshot, a timid voice stopped her.

"Wait… can I get a minute? To just uh, talk?" asked Amanda.

"No. You can't." The brunette was assertive and direct. Leaving the other detectives, temporarily speechless as she dismissed the question.

Fin witnessed the exchange and suddenly, everything made sense to him. "Mmhmm…still 'fine' huh?"

"Shut up." Amanda didn't have the energy for Fin's jokes. Her mind drifted back to, what happened the night before.

 **What really happened the night before…**

"I'm trying to love you. All you have to do is let me…"

"Olivia, you don't mean that."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't mean—"

"No! Stop talking. You don't get to speak now. I do." Amanda was taken back with the tone and assertiveness of her partner. "I've been trying to show you how much you mean to me for a while now. But for some reason, you won't let me and I can't understand why. I mean, it's me. _Me_. You know me and I know you. We've shared so much but there's still a part of you that won't let me in."

"It's not like that."

The brunette kept talking, ignoring Amanda's words all together. "Aside from that, you haven't stopped to think about my feelings for one damn second! I have my own shit to sort out and deal with too, you know. This isn't easy for me either. Telling you that wasn't easy. Do you get that?"

Silence.

"It also wasn't how or when I wanted to tell you but I did. I put myself out there because it's truly how I feel. And your fuc—ahem. Your response was 'you don't mean that.' Really?!" Olivia was outdone and beyond pissed. Her usual, understanding and delicate touch with the other woman, took a back seat to anger.

Amanda's head was spinning. Between the admissions, anger and questions she'd been rendered silent. "I-I don't know what to say."

"What do you mean, you don't know what to say? Someone tells you that they're trying to love you but you won't let them and you don't have anything to say? I tell you how difficult it is for me and you still don't know what to say?!" That did it for Olivia. She began to gather her items in a fury. "I can't be here right now. I need to go."

"W-wait," she grabbed the brunette's arm before she passed by, headed towards the door. "Liv, stop. Don't leave, please. I don't want you to go."

"You don't know what the hell you want." With that last statement, Olivia shook loose of the grip on her arm. Headed out of the door.

"Liv no! Please just—"

"Just what?"

Without warning, Amanda pulled the disgruntled woman, against the wall and crashed their lips together. The sudden kiss, took Olivia by surprise. The bold move, temporarily shut down Liv's protests, which allowed her to be in the moment. Normally, the passion and emotion of the kiss would be more than enough to ease the brunette's worries. However, words seemed to be desired even more than flesh.

Olivia broke away from the kiss, even though her body objected. "No. You do not get to kiss me like that again. You don't. Not until…until, you figure out what the hell you want."

With that last statement, Olivia exited her partner's apartment. Amanda pounded on the door when it closed, with her fist out of frustration. "Fuck!" The evening definitely didn't go as she'd planned. What upset her even more was that, she felt exactly the same way. However, fear and uncertainty crippled her in the worst way possible, which infuriated her. The detective grabbed her gun and phone, then headed out the door.

Across the city, Olivia had made it back to her apartment, beyond frustrated. Even though she was angry, it took a backseat to the hurt and pain. The pain of putting it all on the line, just to get rejected… Well, not reject but just as well. Even though Liv knew that the feelings were mutual, it still hurt. Maybe even a little more because Amanda still didn't feel comfortable enough to say the words. Olivia dwelled on that fact for just a minute before her phone, thankfully, put a halt to the self-pity.

"Detective Benson."

"Liv hey, it's me. Sorry to call so late."

"Oh, hey... I didn't recognize the number."

"I know, long story. You got a minute?"

"Uh, yeah sure."

"I always do this, Brooke. And I don't know why because I do, ya know? I feel the same way but I just don't know—"

"Oh my god, Amanda, she's perfect! Stop whatever it is you're doing. Just stop it!" Exclaimed the overly involved bartender. She'd become the blonde's sounding board, when she needed to get stuff off her chest. Or when she wanted to drink away her problems without judgment.

"I know…"

"She was right. You're scared."

"No, it's not that. Well, maybe…no, I'm not scared. I just don't know how to—"

"Accept her love because you feel like you don't deserve it but you do, Amanda. You do and so does she. Think about her and how she must be feeling. She put herself out there and you? You left her hanging. That's effed up and Olivia deserves better than that."

Rollins stopped mid sip, to look at the bartender who was busy wiping down the counter. Unaware of her words' effect. The blunt but also sincere delivery, struck a nerve. _Olivia deserves better._ Everything seemed to make sense and fall into place. It took a stranger-ish, to reiterate the simple words, for them to really sink in. Amanda put down her glass and addressed the unbeknownst, inspirational woman.

"Thanks, Brooke." The detective didn't wait for a response. She threw down some bills and rushed toward the exit. Her inebriated state, produced a boldness, fueled by liquid courage. That's why instead of heading home, she gave the taxi driver, Olivia's address. She needed to get something off her chest and no other time seemed better than the present. After the short ride, Rollins entered her partner's building. Embolden by the liquid courage, she knocked on the door.

"Amanda, what are you—"

"I love you, Olivia. And yes, before you ask I'm drunk. I am, but that doesn't change how I feel. It just makes it easier to say. I love you and have for some time now."

Olivia stood there silently. Staring and absorbing the words of the beautiful mess of a woman before her. The anger that caused the detective to flee away earlier, dissipated when she saw the raw and vulnerable blonde. Saying all of the words, Liv wanted to hear. Just not while, Amanda was three sheets to the wind.

"Ahem…Liv?"

 _Oh, shit._

And definitely not while someone else listened.

"Uh yeah. I uh… I'm going to hang up now."

"Y-yeah, we'll talk tomorrow, Nick. Bye." Olivia quickly ended the call. Not that it mattered, because he'd heard everything. Everything. It took a while for Amanda to piece together what'd just transpired. When she finally caught up, mortification coursed through her body. Before she got completely worked up, Liv intervened.

"Wait, take a breath. Good, now get in here." The brunette ushered the shocked woman into her apartment.

"I told you that he's obsessed."

"Stop, forget about that. What you said—"

"I mean it, Liv."

"For how long? Until the booze wears off?" Olivia couldn't suppress her frustration but she also didn't want to keep snapping at her partner. "I'm sorry, it's just—"

"I'm a mess, I know."

"So am I! That's what you keep forgetting, Amanda. I'm a mess too. We're both a mess. The difference is, I don't dismiss your feelings just because I don't know how to handle them."

Amanda's inebriation didn't shield her from Liv's sobering words. It was the truth, plain and simple. As were hers. "You're right. You're absolutely right. My words, they don't mean much to you right now. I get that, I do. So, I going to go."

Internally, Olivia wanted to protest but her exterior just wouldn't let her. "Ok."

Before Amanda exited, she stopped to ask for one last request from exhausted brunette. "Don't give up on me, Liv. Not yet…"

 **85% of this was written intoxicated, the other 15% hungover. Excuse mistakes, hope you enjoy.**


	7. Chapter 7

It had been three days since Amanda asked Olivia not to give up on her. Both expected for work and everything in between to be incredibly awkward until they got a chance to clear the air. Surprisingly, things weren't so bad. In large part, due to a break in the Kelsey Jamison case they'd been working all week. The 1-6 was busy and there was barely a spare moment to relax, let alone anything else. Nick hadn't even had the opportunity to bring up what he'd overheard that night. Something Olivia was grateful for but knew needed to be discussed soon. Although she knew he wasn't the gossip type, she'd feel better after they spoke.

Olivia and Amanda had been in contact with each other outside of work but not much. Neither really knew what to say to the other. So, they kept it light and brief. More like check-ins, not really in depth talking. Things were delicate but Amanda hated the state they were in. She didn't want the distance to keep lingering on the way it had been. By Thursday night, she'd had enough and decided to text more than a check-in message.

" _Hey, you busy?"_

" _Hey. No, I'm not. Just got back from the gym. What's up? You ok?"_

" _Nothing. And yeah, I'm fine. I was just sitting here thinking. Haven't really seen much of you outside of work since…"_

Olivia stared at the text. She knew exactly since when and it had been intentional. The brunette just needed time to process her own feelings for a few days. It wasn't like was out right rejected but it was close enough that she needed a breather. A step back to get her hurt and anger under control because she almost lost it the other night. Her phone dinged again, with another text.

" _I don't like not seeing you."_

Olivia sighed, she couldn't deny her agreeance with that statement. _"Neither do I."_

" _Go out with me tomorrow. I don't care where. I just…go out with me?"_

" _Yes, I'll go out with you."_

Amanda was so relieved. Her breathing was audible, after holding her breath waiting on the incoming message. _"Great, can't wait._ _I've missed you._ _We'll figure out the deets tomorrow. Have a good night..."_

" _Ok. You too, Amanda."_

The next morning, the blonde was actually looking forward to work. Anxious even. The week had been a very trying and tiring one. However, her energy level raised, just at the thought of later that night. Olivia was cautiously optimistic about their upcoming date. She didn't want to go in with too many high expectations, just in case things took an unpleasant turn. Which seemed to be the norm as of late. She pushed all of that aside and got ready for her session with Huang, before work.

"Good morning, Detective."

"Good morning."

"We're getting down to our last couple of sessions."

"I know, I know. It's almost over."

"Yes, it is. How do you feel about that?"

"Well…I'm not going to lie. When we first started, way back, when you were first prepping us to go undercover. I hated everything about this entire process. But now, I can't imagine getting through the last few weeks without this outlet. Without you. Thank you, George."

"I'm just doing my job, willing to help in any way I can."

"Oh, you've gone above and beyond, you know it. You allow me to talk your head off about my girlfr—" she paused for a second to re word her statement. "You let me talk about Amanda, a lot. Nothing to do with 'my trauma'. So, I'm saying thank you."

"You're welcome, Olivia." Huang noticed the way she stopped herself abruptly. He was intrigued, "Speaking of Detective Rollins—"

"Nope. No. I'm not talking about her today."

"Why? Did something happen?"

The brunette uncharacteristically scoffed at the question and mumbled, "Yeah. What always happens."

"Liv? What's going on?"

She sighed heavily as she debated whether or not to get into everything. "I don't know where to begin…"

"Just say whatever's on your mind. It's clear that something's bothering you."

"Everything's so…hard. It's much harder than I thought."

"How so?"

"It's like we take a huge step forward and like twenty back. We can't get on the same page. I thought we'd finally reached a place of understanding but she shut me out, again. It's starting to take a toll on me. Between the assault, injuries, our feelings, her drinking, it's a lot. Then to top it off, it's like she doesn't even realize that I'm having a hard freakin' time with all of this too!" The frustrated detective ran a hand through her hair.

Huang listened to the stressed woman and gave her a minute to get it together. A few things stuck out during her mini-rant that needed to be addressed, after she calmed down. "Drinking?"

"What?" She was so worked up and unaware of what he was referring to.

"You said 'her drinking', what did you mean by that?"

 _Shit._ "Nothing." _Change the subject._ "I told her that I'm trying to love her but she won't let me and she freaked. She basically rejected me and things haven't been the same since."

"Well, that's a lot. Have you two talked about it?"

 _Whew._ "Uhm, no not really. I kind of lost it at the time and stormed out. We've been kind of distant since then but she asked me out tonight. So, we might talk about things then but I don't know if I want to."

"Are you having second thoughts about your feelings?"

"No, it's not that. I guess it's just…" Olivia waved her hand in the air, searching for the words.

"You're hurt." The detective sighed in agreeance as the doctor continued. "It makes sense. That was a huge step for you. I know that it couldn't have been easy."

"No, it wasn't."

"Are you concerned that the feelings aren't mutual?"

The detective pondered that thought for a moment. "No. I know what we've shared and there's something there. We've both felt it. She's just— I don't know. Maybe it's the timing. I don't know what to do."

"Nothing. You put yourself out there and she knows how you feel. Now, this is the part where you wait. There's nothing left to do."

"Ok. Just wait... How long?"

"Until you feel like the waiting is in vain."

Liv absorbed the wise doctor's words. Agreeing with his advice. She left Huang's office with some clarity, headed to work. She hated to admit it but her sessions with the doc were very helpful. Being able to vent was nice. Especially given the fact that she didn't have anyone to confide in. The closest person to her now was Amanda. Needless to say, she couldn't vent about her _to_ her. Olivia arrived at the precinct a little after one.

"Liv? Hey," the detective pocketed her phone. "I was just about to call you."

"Hey, no need. I'm here. What's up?"

"Nothing. I was worried. It's unlike you to not show up or be so late."

"I had an appointment."

"Oh. An appointment? You didn't mention it. Normally you would…"

"Yeah, must have slipped my mind." Olivia avoided eye contact after her less than honest statement.

Amanda wasn't buying it but didn't have a leg to stand on, to push the issue. Especially after all of her recent mishaps. "Oh, ok. Let me catch you up on the case."

Rollins filled the senior detective in on the new details of their recent case. Filling her in on Cragen's orders. The squad room was practically empty for most of the day. The rest of the 1-6, were out in the field. Dishing out warrants and picking up perps. The unusual quietness in the room didn't last long. The room irrupted in chaos. When the detectives, along with some unlucky suspects burst through the doors.

The work day was finally winding down and everyone was grateful for that fact. The day had been tiring. Thankfully, it was Friday and that put everyone in a better mood. Everybody was getting ready to leave for the weekend. The anticipation of the night had Amanda in an eager mood, ready for the night. She was heading over to Olivia's desk to confirm plans when her _other_ partner, joined them before she could get a word out.

"Aye, Munch is getting everyone together. We're going to Mulligan's. Y'all down, right?"

Rollins was about to vehemently decline before Liv spoke first. "Special occasion?"

"You never know with Munch. He's being tight lipped about it but I can tell he's up to something."

The brunette looked at the other woman briefly before answering Fin. "We'll be there. What time?"

"Now. Come on, let's roll."

Amanda saw Olivia about to speak up again but she beat her to the punch. "Give us a sec. Will ya, Fin?"

"You got it but I'm telling Munch you're coming. See you at Mulligan's."

The blonde waited for Fin to get out of earshot before she spoke. "Uh, did you forget about tonight?"

"Of course not. We don't have to stay long."

"Ok…"

Olivia could tell that Amanda was less than thrilled with their slight change of plans. However, Liv had ulterior motives. She wanted to get a chance to speak with Nick. The conversation needed to happen, soon and she wanted it off her plate before the date. "We don't want the guys thinking that all of the recent attention has gone to our heads and we can't be bothered to have a drink with them." The other detective nodded in agreeance. "Afterwards, it'll be us and only us."

That put a small smile on Amanda's face. They gathered their things, ready to leave for the day. The detectives were walking toward the exit when Rollins chimed in. "For the record. We are kind of better than them, though."

Olivia laughed at the joke as they walked to Mulligan's. She looked over at the blonde. Who was more than pleased that she'd put a smile on her partner's face. Things had been semi awkward ever since _that_ night and it felt good to be at ease, laughing together again. Regardless of their recent issues, that took a back seat to their undeniable connection. The ladies arrived at their destination in good spirits.

"Here they are now, ladies!" exclaimed Munch as he ushered the women over to a vaguely familiar section. "I know you probably don't remember much since the last time you were here. Given the fact that you were three sheets to the wind." The finger and laughter followed that statement. "However, tonight is a special occasion." The mischievous Sergeant held up a newspaper, causing the small group to go up in cheers. The article, they were interview for, had made it to print.

"That's what's up. Congrats," chimed in Fin.

"And look at this photo yowzah," continued Munch, followed by more whistles and cheers. Olivia put a hand over her face and dropped her head.

"Alright, alright," said Rollins while gesturing with her hands for the rowdy detectives to calm down.

"Hey, listen up!" exclaimed Nick as he got everyone's attention. "I want to make a quick toast." He passed around shots to the small group including the newbies. "Being under isn't for the faint of heart—"

"Say that shit," expressively agreed Fin."

"In the end, you got the job done. Welcome back. To Olivia and Amanda, cheers."

"Here, here!" Everyone threw back their shooters. Munch piped up again, "Ahh sweet, sweet memories of HairGate2012."

"Oh, God. Please don't bring that night back up," pleaded Olivia. Her statement was followed by laughter from those who were there for the showdown.

"HairGate2012?" inquired Wright.

"Before your time rookie but it was the best night. Liv may not agree. She lost a lot that night. The bet, her hair, her pride, dign—"

"Ok," interrupted Olivia. "That's enough out of you."

"Let the man speak, Liv" teased the more than amused blonde. "I mean, he isn't wrong…"

"Hey, lay off my partner," intervened Nick.

"Thank you, Nick."

"He's right though," that statement earned him an elbow to the side.

"Enough reminiscing for the night. Freakin' HairGate," mumbled the brunette under her breath. "Now, I would like to make a toast." She signaled the bartender for more shots. Once everyone had a drink in hand, she resumed with her speech. "I want to thank you all for the warm welcome back. Yes, even you Munch." Laughter rang out after the quip. "All jokes aside, I was worried that you guys would treat me differently after everything. Rest assured, you're still the same annoying bastards as before." More laughter. "And that means everything to me. So, thank you. Cheers."

"Cheers!" echoed the detectives.

After the shots were thrown back, Amanda caught Olivia's eye. Sending a grateful look, even though she protested attending the outing earlier. She saw and realized why her partner insisted on attending. The squad was like a family. A weird, annoying one but family nonetheless. After the semi-sappy love fest, everyone let loose and had some fun. Alcohol and beers flowed. Even the rookies were relaxed and enjoying themselves. It was the first time that Wright and DeLuca had interacted with the other detectives outside of work.

It felt good to be back in the company of their peers. No matter how much they'd tease them. Even though the joking occurred, it never crossed the line. Regardless of some curious questions they might have about the ladies' and their ordeal. Everyone respected that boundary and both women were grateful. The guys just let them jump back into work, without too much hovering. Olivia was laughing at one of Munch's inappropriate jokes when she noticed Nick at the bar alone, ordering more drinks. She grabbed her glass and headed over to him.

"Hey…"

"Liv, hey. Having fun?"

"Yeah, I am." She looked back at the table. "Everyone seems to be in a good mood, even Wright. Didn't think that was possible." Nick chuckled at that statement. She took a sip from her glass before she spoke again. "So, we haven't gotten a chance to talk…"

"I haven't said anything and I won't. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. But I wasn't talking about that. I want to know how you are holding up, after Maria filed—"

"I'm good. You know, it's for the best."

"Nick—"

"Liv. I'm good. Drop it."

She stared at him for a second before honoring his request. "Ok." Amaro drained a shot. Olivia knew that he was anything but fine. Without prying, she reassured her broken friend. "I'm here, Nick." He finally looked over at her and she met his gaze. "I'm here, whenever—"

"Hey, Munch sent me over to see what was taking so long," interrupted Amanda. Unaware that the partners were having a moment.

Nick scoffed and threw back another shot. "Right." He directed that at Olivia. As he headed back to the table with a pitcher of beer and glasses.

"Ugh, he's such an asshole."

"Heeey, no he's not. Don't say that."

"Oh, I'm sorry. He's just an asshole to everyone but you. I stand corrected."

Olivia was about to protest again but saw the smirk on Amanda's face. Knowing that even though she probably meant her words, the blonde was just trying to get a rise out of her. She didn't give her the satisfaction. "Whatever."

Amanda chuckled. After her laughter ceased, a sincere expression graced her face. "Just to your right there," Rollins nodded her head in the direction. "You were sitting on that stool when things changed for me. I saw you for the first time. Not Detective Benson, you. You probably don't remember because…well you were shitfaced."

"Shut it, don't remind me."

"Anyways, you looked at me and said 'I don't know what's going to happen but I've got you'. It was so simple but it meant everything to me."

"I remember that… _and_ I still mean it." Olivia locked her eyes on the other woman.

"I'm sorry for how I've treated you lately."

"It's ok—"

"No, it's not. I let my personal, insecure, bs get the best of me and I'm sorry." The brunette didn't protest this time, she simply nodded. "I suck at it but I'm trying to love you too. And no, I'm not drunk." Amanda made sure their eyes were locked, so that Liv would know how serious she was. "You're the best thing in my life, Olivia."

Olivia's eyes were misty as she took in Amanda's words. She felt the sincerity and honesty behind them. The words reassured and emboldened her. "Let's get out of here…"

 **Thanks for reading! Candi711, advice taken!**

Nick ended up busting up a huge pedophile ring. Amanda doesn't want to go out to celebrate. Liv insists. Drunken fun ensues.


	8. Chapter 8

**You might want to read the previous chapter, I had to. It's been a while…**

Being back at the place where things first began to change for them, felt right for Amanda to speak her truth. Relief washed over her. After, finally saying the three little words that'd been threatening to spill for so long. So much had changed since HairGate, many months ago. They'd been through so much together. Most importantly, they'd grown together. The road definitely hadn't been easy but they'd finally found some common ground.

"Let's get out of here…" Olivia drained the rest of her beverage as she slid her stool away from the bar. Amanda was smiling at the other woman when she slightly stumbled, while getting to her feet. She was amused watching her partner, who was obviously feeling the effects of their celebratory drinks. The other detectives were at the table, still enjoying the night. When they headed over to say their goodbyes.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…what is this? Don't tell me you're leaving already?" asked Munch, checking his watch.

"Afraid so."

"You good, Liv?" inquired Nick, as he noticed her slight stumbling.

"Yeah, I'm good. No, I'm _great_."

Amanda laughed and mumbled, "Such a lightweight."

"Ok…be careful and get home safe."

"I'll make sure she gets home in one piece," assured Amanda. Nick eyed her suspiciously. Which didn't go unnoticed by the blonde but she chose to ignore it. _What an asshole._ The ladies made their way around the table. Thanking everyone for the drinks, laughs and nice words shared, earlier in the evening.

"Thanks again guys. Especially you Munch," Olivia pet his shoulder. "You're alright. Well, sometimes." That earned her a laugh from the table. "See you Monday, guys."

"Later ladies."

Nick still had his eye on Amanda. The other night, still fresh on his mind. He took another sip from his glass as his inner monologue rambled on. It was something about the blonde, on top of what he'd unintentionally overheard, that made him uneasy. He didn't get into it earlier with his partner. However, a few drinks in, he was eager to speak his peace before the moment passed.

"Yo Rollins, a quick word?" He waved her back over to the bar where they'd just left.

 _What the hell does he want? Ugh, he's such an asshole._ She rolled her eyes subtly but complied. He was important to Olivia and that mattered to her. Plus, she didn't want any more friction between them after they'd recently found common ground. So, she begrudgingly obliged. After all, Olivia was preoccupied with Wright and his excessive out of character chatter.

"What's up, Amaro?"

"Look, there's no easy way to say this. So, I'm just going to say it. You _might_ have the best of intentions concerning _my_ partner but you really should focus on yourself, right now. You know? Get all of your demons and problems in check before you try to whatever it is you're trying to do concerning Liv. Give her some space. She's been through a lot and she doesn't need y—"

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" Amanda stopped, whatever was going to come out of his mouth next. Adrenaline, anger and heat coursed throughout her body. Calming down wasn't even an option. "You don't know anything about me, my 'demons', or Liv's needs, you smug, self-righteous asshole!" That exclamation got the attention of some nearby patrons.

"Oh, but I do. I know more than enough. I can read you like a book. I see straight through you and your bullshit. You're not anywhere near good enough for her, not even close!" Nick's tone and his certainty, angered the blonde even more.

"You know what? Kiss my ass! And go to hell!" Amanda slid her stool away from the bar, enraged. That got her co-workers attention. Fin saw the exchange, while Wright still had Olivia pre-occupied with his ramblings. He left the table to see what was going on.

"Hey! What the hell is going on over here?"

"Stay out of it, Fin!" exclaimed Amaro.

The blonde scoffed with obvious sarcasm and disdain. "That's got to be a joke, right? I mean, coming from the man who's sticking his nose where it doesn't fucking belong!" She moved dangerously close to Nick, deliberately invading his personal space. Fin had to step in between them before things really got out of hand.

"Amanda," He took his partner by the arm, practically dragging her away from the escalating altercation. "You need to calm down." When they were away from everyone, he tried to figure out the problem. Even though he kind of had a hunch. "What the hell was that all about?"

"Nothing."

"It was definitely something. I just stopped you from knocking Nick's ass out. So, don't bs me. What's going on, Amanda?"

"He's just—ugh he's such an asshole."

"Ok…Amaro is an asshole sometimes, everyone knows that. But that back there," he pointed in Amaro's direction. "That was something else. Whathappened?"

"He said—" Rollins took an unsteady breath and ran a hand through her hair before she spoke. "He told me that I'm not good enough for her…" she refused to make eye contact with Fin. She'd just come to accept her feelings for the other woman. The last thing she wanted was an uncomfortable conversation with her _other_ partner. Even though she assumed, he, along with others had questions/suspicions about their 'relationship'.

"Why do you give a shit about what Amaro thinks? The only person's opinion you should be concerned about, is _hers_. Not Amaro's, Munch's, mines or anyone else." Fin saw a bit of relief wash over his partner's demeanor, although she still hadn't looked up at him. "Do you. But for whatever it's worth… _I_ think it's a good look." Amanda finally peeled her eyes away from the ground. Shocked and touched by what her other partner was saying. She was about to respond when Olivia interrupted them.

"Hey, I've been looking for you. Do either of you know what the hell is going on with Amaro? Munch and Wright had to physically drag him out of the bar. He was pissed. Mad as hell about something. He seemed fine earlier. He's usually not the angry drunk type. Did I miss something?"

"That's my cue," said Fin. "I'll let you two talk."

After Fin's abrupt exit, Olivia's curiosity increased. Even through her tipsy haze, she sensed the blonde's discomfort. "Amanda? What happened?"

This definitely wasn't how the blonde expected the evening to go. She was hoping for a night of other firsts, after finally revealing her true feelings. Exciting firsts. _Unexplored_ firsts. Intimate firsts. Sexy firsts that consumed her thoughts throughout the evening. Definitely not unnecessary drama-fueled firsts, caused by someone who she could care less about but Olivia, unfortunately did.

 _Ugh, fucking asshole._ "I really don't know. We were saying goodbye to everyone, when Amaro pulled me aside to talk. I think he's…" the blonde searched for the words. She didn't want to let her obvious disdain show. So, she decided to tread lightly. "He's uh, concerned I guess."

"Concerned? About what?"

"Us."

"What about us? He seemed ok when I talked to him earlier. He told me that he wouldn't say anything about over hearing our conversation. I believe him," assured Olivia.

"What conversation?"

"The other night, when you came over and you know said _things_... You don't remember?"

Amanda took a minute to think about what conversation Olivia was referring to. _Fuck._ Due to her drunken state on the night in question, certain pieces had been erased. After thinking on it for a moment, everything was beginning to make sense. She realized why Nick took her to the side. It seemed so out of left field but now she knew it was because he'd overheard her most vulnerable moment with Olivia.

"Yeah, I remember now and it makes sense."

"What does?" Olivia was still confused about what was going on.

Amanda was replaying what Nick had said. Getting more upset by the second, she blurted out, "Your _partner_ doesn't think I'm good enough for you. And he made it very clear that he wants me to focus on my demons and leave you alone."

"What?! He said that? That doesn't sound like him…"

"Yes, he said that and much more. Asshole."

Olivia couldn't believe Nick would say that to Amanda. Even if he felt that way, she'd hope he would have more tact than that. She was baffled but then remembered why he'd called her that night in the first place. That on top of the booze could maybe explain why he was behaving so out of character.

"I know you think he's an asshole but he's going through a lot right now. It's a lot on his plate. With the—"

"You're not seriously defending him right now, are ya?" interrupted Amanda with an edge to her voice.

"No. I'm just—"

"About to freaking defend him."

"No! It's not that, it's just…" Olivia took a step back to regroup and put herself in Amanda's shoes. It didn't take long for her to realize how upset she'd be if Fin would've approached her in such a manner. She'd expect Amanda's support. "You're right. I'm sorry. Regardless of whatever's going on with him, there's no excuse. He was totally wrong for saying anything to you and I'm going to talk to him about it. Ok?"

Amanda was pissed but it wasn't Liv's fault. Plus, she _really_ didn't want to fight. Not tonight. "Fine, I'll let it go and let you handle it."

"Thank you."

Olivia was relieved. She knew how Amanda could get when pissed. But somehow, she'd managed to diffuse the situation with her buzz still intact. _Whew._ When she focused back on the other woman she could see some of the earlier tension gone. However, not enough to her satisfaction.

The brunette closed the distance between them and lowered her voice. " _You_ know how I feel about you... That's all that matters. To hell with anyone else."

Amanda finally looked up and saw those eyes, she'd never tire of seeing. It was something about the certainty in Olivia's voice that completely reassured her. "I thought we were getting out of here? We need to, because I almost just gave our co-workers something else to talk about."

Olivia saw the desire and passion in Amanda's eyes. She felt the same, "Take me home…"

 **Thanks for reading. Special thanks to those who've offered condolences after the loss of my beloved Grandmother and Aunt. Needless to say, I lost my writing mojo and more but I'm on the mend now. Re-inspired. So, thanks for those who are still sticking with the story. Might be a rating change next chapter. I'm debating.**


	9. Chapter 9

**M.**

The night had been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Luckily, the female detectives left the bar on a positive note and in good spirits. Expectancy, desire and nerves were in the air. _You know how I feel about you_. That statement ran on a constant loop through Amanda's thoughts. Well, that and thoughts about what the rest of the night would bring. Thankfully, they chose to walk to Olivia's apartment, so some of the blush on her cheeks could be blamed on the crisp night air. Just the thought alone sent a chill down her spine. The cause, definitely wasn't solely based on the plummeting temperature.

Olivia felt the slight shutter from Amanda, given their close proximity and linked their fingers together. She brought their adjoined hands to her lips and placed a lingering kiss on them. The look that accompanied the kiss, flushed the blonde even more at the unspoken promise of things to come. They rounded the corner of Olivia's apartment hand in hand. Exhilaration. Anticipation. Lust. Anxiousness. Every emotion felt, rested in baited breath at the turn of the key, leading into 4E. Olivia closed the door and secured the locks. When she turned to face Amanda, she noticed the uneasy expression upon her countenance.

"Hey," Liv moved in closer and gestured towards her head. "What's going on in there?"

 _Everything. Every fucking thing._ "Nothing. Nothing's going on. I'm fine."

"Ok…"

"Yep, everything's fine. I'll be right back."

The blonde scurried off to the restroom, locking the door behind her. Amanda looked at her complexion in the mirror, all of her insecurities staring back at her. Self-doubt, amongst other things, were getting the best of her. _Fucking Amaro._ He got to her. Mainly because a part of her believes him. That was the ugly truth. She splashed some cold water on her face, hoping to put a halt to her inner turmoil. The detective dried her face and left the restroom, hopefully along with the doubt. Olivia was busy 'tidying up the place' when Amanda finally emerged. She stood against the wall and took in the sight of the brunette 'at work'.

"You know that you don't have to do that right?"

"I know, I know. I was rushing this morning and didn't have time to clear some of this clutter. I'm finishing up now. Make yourself comfortable."

Amanda looked around the room, searching for the clutter. "Right…" She sat on the couch and waited for Liv to finish decluttering.

"Done," Olivia plopped down on the couch beside the other woman.

"You sure? There's a piece of lent you missed in the corner over there," Amanda pointed behind her. A pillow was hurled at her head as she dodged out of its way. "Hey!"

"Not so funny now, huh?"

"You're so going to pay for th—" another pillow stopped her mid-sentence. Her reflexes weren't as quick the second time around. She heard the sound of Liv's laughter, muffled behind the pillow.

"Now _that_ is funny."

Amanda removed the pillow from her face and saw the brunette laughing heartily. Head tossed back, mouth slightly open. She looked absolutely beautiful. Carefree and happy. Genuinely happy. A sight, the blonde hadn't seen, since before Lawrence's vicious attack that nearly ended them. Seeing Olivia so happy, truly warmed her heart.

"I've missed this…"

Olivia's laughter ceased, as their eyes locked. The unspoken words, rang out loud and clear. "Me too."

"Feels kind of like how it was _before_ but better."

"Oh, come on. I know how much you secretly loved that lifestyle. And don't even get me started on the condo," teased the brunette. It amused Olivia, how the other woman's disdain slowly faded away for the 'pretentious upper-class', when they were temporarily submerged into that alluring lifestyle.

Amanda got a little revenge, as she launched the pillow back at her partner, "Shut it." That infectious laughter filled her ears again. It was one of her favorite sounds. "Fine, I'm not going to deny it. In my defense, I'm a small-town gal. So, hell yeah that world _was_ intriguing to me but it wasn't real. I like _this_ better. Sitting here with you, no longer pretending…"

Olivia made a joke earlier, to lighten the mood. Just in case a buffer was needed. However, the blonde didn't shy away from her feelings, to the detective's surprise. Instead, she doubled down and honestly expressed herself. Not so long ago, the conversation would have taken another turn. Progress.

"Come with me, I want to show you something." Liv saw the suspicious look on her partner's face. "Don't overthink it," she smiled and extended her hand. Amanda's curiosity outweighed her timorous. She didn't need much cajoling as she took Liv's hand. The brunette led them into her bedroom.

Amanda could hear her heartbeat thumping in her ears. Her nerves flowed from head to toe. The anticipation was killing her. The short distance, that seemingly went on forever, had finally come to an end. When they entered the bedroom, a gasp escaped the blonde's mouth. Olivia didn't know if the gasp was good or bad. Fearing the worst, she began to explain and let her intentions be known before Amanda freaked out or bolted for the door.

"H-how? Wh-when, where'd you get this?"

"I asked Huang to send it to me. I had to pull his arm a little but he finally sent it." Liv waited for a response but was met with baffled silence, then decided to continue. "I asked for it specifically because I wanted to remember that night. It was the night when I truly saw you. Not my preconceived opinions about you, but you. I saw you, Amanda. The pain, the hurt but most importantly your perseverance. The feistiness and grit. Strength and toughness. I saw you go through every emotion possible that night, but you held yourself together. I was more than impressed, I was in awe. Have been ever since. So, I asked for this, to remind me of the night when I started to fall for you…"

Amanda's eyes were bright and wide, burning with emotion. Her gaze was fixed on the painting, while taking in every word. _Her_ painting, 'Untitled', was hanging on the wall of Olivia Benson's bedroom. She remembered every detail about the painting, when she originally created it. More importantly, she also remembered every detail about the night it 'debuted' to the public while they were undercover. Her emotions had been all over the place that night but she managed to keep it together throughout the op, with Olivia's steadfast support. Solidifying the blonde's feelings that she'd been keeping at bay. Unable to suppress them any longer, when they were alone later that night, she kissed Olivia for the first time.

Amanda finally peeled her eyes away from the painting. She turned to face Olivia, who had a slightly shy expression on her face. The brunette still didn't know how her partner was going to react. With good reasoning, considering there'd been nothing but silence since she laid eyes on 'Untitled'. Amanda was in a completely different head space. Months ago, hell maybe even a few weeks ago, she would've reacted differently. Insecurely, immaturely, uncertainly but things were different now. _She_ was different and no longer afraid of what she wanted. Words were irrelevant and unnecessary, as the blonde moved in and claimed what she'd been denying herself for far too long.

Without hesitation, Amanda tilted her head upwards and poured every ounce of her being into a searing kiss. The unexpected kiss was eagerly reciprocated. Every thought outside of the current feeling, was completely forgotten. Soft lips and tongues meshed in sync, both giving as good as they were giving. Desperate hands roamed uncharted canvases in search of more. More feeling. More firsts. More skin. More…

Olivia broke away from the kiss, breathless. Burning mocha eyes locked on lustful violet ones, wordlessly communicating. They were on the same page, desire dripping from their pores. The emboldened brunette gripped Amanda by the waist, pulling their bodies flush against each other. The heat radiating between them as their lips met again. A soft moan escaped the blonde's mouth, when their tongues cascaded together, sending jolts of pleasure throughout her body. Her legs were wobbly when they hit the edge of the bedframe, momentum guiding her body onto the welcoming bed.

Amanda's breath caught in her throat, when she looked up and saw eyes darker than she'd ever seen them. Olivia took a moment to admire the sight before her. Beautiful flushed skin. Swollen, parted lips. Sprawled out, sexy golden hair. All accompanied with a 'come hither' look. The brunette let out a low sigh, as she hovered over the awaiting woman. The anticipation was slowly torturing Amanda, in the most delicious way possible. "Get over here..."

There wasn't any hesitation, as Liv obeyed the sexy command. Satisfying her need, just as much, in the process. Olivia was familiarizing herself with every touch and curve of Amanda's body. She worked from her lips, to her neck, finding sensitive pleasure points along the way. Every tremble, every reaction fed her desire even more. In the midst of her exploration, an abrupt change of course took place. Amanda suddenly flipped them, topping Olivia.

Amanda took the squeal and delightfully surprised look on Liv's face as a green light. As she kissed her way down to the swell of ample cleavage. Slowly unbuttoning the shirt, leaving a trail of hot kisses after each button, until the shirt was completely off. Her eyes were glued on Olivia, when she removed her bra. Flinging it across the room. Another wave of desire shot straight to her core. She didn't waste another second, as she wrapped her lips around an awaiting peak, bringing her right hand up to massage the other breast.

"Aaahhh…" Olivia's pleasured moan, filled the room. While Amanda worked her way down her new favorite canvas. She tugged at the slacks, until they were off completely, kissing every piece of newly exposed skin. Olivia's breathing was audible. Body on fire, when all of a sudden, everything stopped. She wanted to scream, her need to be touched was desired more than her next breath. Before she could externally protest, a warm, completely nude body covered hers. Amanda could feel the subtle trembling in Olivia's body. Part excitement, a lot of nerves. But Liv was determined not to let nerves interfere. She took Amanda's hand and guided it down to the only bundle of nerves that needed attention.

Both women gasped simultaneously when the contact was made. Their lips reconnected in a frenzy of hot open-mouthed kisses. Tongues battled for control, while Amanda's fingers were busy, dragging slow circles over the sensitive flesh. Each flick sent a new wave of lubricant straight to the brunette's core, as a whimper escaped her lips. Her arousal increased when the blonde slid down her body, coming face to face with her sex. Amanda gazed up at the other woman, letting her intention be known. After silent permission, she spread Olivia's legs open, then lunged _head_ first into sheer bliss.

"Aanghhh," was the only 'word' that Liv could form while Amanda's tongue went to work. She took her time, discovering and exploring every inch. Lapping at the warmness coating her tongue. Every moan, was motivation to push further. She wrapped her lips around the throbbing bundle. "Fuuuuhhh..." The blonde continued to lick and suckle, while her own arousal increased. A new pleasure spot must've been discovered because suddenly Amanda's neck was caught in between the sexiest pair of thighs imaginable. And there was no other place she'd rather be. A muffled groan escaped her mouth at the change of position. The vibrations from the moan intensified the pleasure coursing through Olivia's body.

"Amanda…" a breathless plea fell from her lips. Amanda reached up and intertwined their fingers. Olivia was on the verge of climax, as she grabbed a handful of blonde hair with her free hand. Another moan escaped Amanda's mouth and she felt Liv's body begin to tremble. "Ohhhmygod! Amanda," she bucked her hips and writhed in ecstasy as an orgasm exploded from deep within. The blonde slowed her ministrations as the other woman came down from her high. She slowly kissed her way back up Olivia's glistening body, admiring every inch on her way.

The brunette's breathing had finally returned to normal. Her body, not so much. Amanda's kisses had finally made their way back up north. Sensing a slight hesitation, Olivia brought their lips together for a searing kiss. Tasting herself on the other woman's lips, served as a natural aphrodisiac. Liv sat up, pulling the blonde along, to straddle her hips as their kissing resumed. Amanda would've been satisfied with just satisfying her partner. That was _until_ she felt talented fingers sliding through her drenched folds. Olivia rubbed and stroked until the blonde was ready to explode. "Please…" the desperate plea was followed by action as Amanda sunk her body down on the fingers teasing her entrance. "Ahhhhh," Liv buried her face in bouncy breasts, showering them with attention as her fingers continued to work. She added another finger, feeling the warm tightness surrounding them. "Holy fuck," Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and held on for the ride, as fingers pumped in and out. Their bodies found a rhythm, moving together perfectly in sync.

"Ohhhh, I'm so close." Amanda panted as her body was experiencing such intense pleasure. All of her senses were on fire. From the lips all over her body down to the fingers buried deep inside. A new sensation occurred when she curved forward, hitting a new spot. "Liiiiivvvvv," she grinded down one last time before falling over the edge into ecstasy. Expletives flowed freely as her body trembled with aftershocks. She held on close to Olivia's body, while her breathing slowed down. They stayed that way for a while, silently content, naked and free. They were finally on the same page and things were better than they could ever imagine. Everything felt right. Everything _was_ right, together. Sated, satisfied and safe in each other's arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Back at one. Back to the beginning. A new beginning. The beginning of firsts. The previous night of pleasure consisted of many firsts. Sexy firsts. Orgasmic firsts. Love firsts? Needless to say, their relationship had been changed forever. Everything fell into place beautifully the night they took their relationship to the next level, physically. They'd discussed it a few times before, timidly, after urges started to arise. It was uncharted territory, mixed with the aftermath of going through a trauma. Checking in felt like the right thing to do before moving forward and it was. That was one of many reasons why things had flowed so smoothly. The night as a whole may have started far, far away from perfect but the ending was pretty damn close.

Olivia began to stir as rays of sunlight strained through her bedroom window. A tranquil energy coursed through her body while she enjoyed a morning stretch. The movement made her very aware of the warm, naked body cuddled up closely against hers. A small smile stretched across her face, even though her eyes were still shut and she was half asleep. Images of the previous night flashed through her mind. The way things had transpired felt completely organic. Over the last year their relationship had seen every up, down and in between. From the beginning of not knowing/liking each other, to pretending, to surviving the worst, to realizing they were exactly what the other needed. It felt good to be in the present, no pretenses, with such a promising future on the horizon.

The seasoned detective couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so content. Neither could she have fathomed, 'Rollins' would be responsible for her current state of contentment. It was almost surreal. _Almost_ , because the night before was oh so real. Just the thought alone caused her face to flush. She wasn't sure how the night was going to go, especially considering the earlier drama at the bar with Nick. Regardless of that stumbling block, the night had worked out _very_ well, much better than she could've imagined. The passion was almost overwhelming at times. She closed her eyes and relived some of those moments. The first of many thoughts, drifted to her nervousness about Amanda's initial reaction of seeing 'Untitled' hanging in her room.

 _Damnit. I hope showing her this is the right call._ Olivia's breathing slowed as she awaited the verdict of her gamble. When Amanda's lips suddenly crashed against hers, she knew it was the right decision. But there was something different about the kiss. It was passionate, intense, hot. Dissimilar to the others previously shared. Sure, there'd been several hot and heavy make-out sessions between them. However, this was the first time where the kisses were definitely leading to somewhere beyond second base. To an unexplored area of their relationship that had been lingering for some time. Many factors contributed to their reasoning behind waiting. The main one being fear. The fear of inadequacy. The fear of not being enough. The fear of completely giving themselves over to the other. Or the ultimate fear, of realizing their feelings were solely based on airtight pretending.

All of those pesky uncertainties faded the moment when their lips connected. The shift was instantaneous. There wasn't one shred of doubt left lingering after the kiss. Their silent communication was a work of art. All of the unspoken words were put into physical action. The trust and understanding they'd spent months building, paid off in the end. Their familiarity and ease with one another, led them straight to ecstasy. Blissfully, together for the first time. Olivia's body reacted just thinking of the flashbacks, before a rap at the door, rudely interrupted her daydreaming. Liv gently eased her nude body away from her sleeping partner, slipped on a robe and headed for the door. When she checked the peephole, her eyes rolled involuntarily before unlocking and opening the door.

"Now's really not a good time."

Her state of dress, tousled hair and what could only be described as afterglow didn't go unnoticed by the visitor. "Yeah, it never is with you. _Lately_ that is…" And with that snarky comment she was done with whatever else he had to say. Olivia slammed the door in Nick's face but his quick reflexes caught the door from completely closing on him. "Wait. Look, I'm sorry alright. I-I feel like I can't even talk to you anymore."

Olivia didn't respond right away. She chose her words wisely, "You can always talk to me but not when you're like this."

"Like what? Confused and concerned about my partner who seems to be avoiding me?"

Amanda was beginning to wake. Her bare body stretched against the soft sheets. Normally there would be some type of concern or wonder about the night before after waking up naked in someone else's bed but that wasn't the case. That 'oh my god, what did I do?' feeling wasn't there. Even in her sleepy haze, the blonde knew exactly where she was, what she'd done and who she'd done it with. Her arm reached out in search of that person but emptiness met her instead. She typically preferred last night's mistake to be gone by morning but Olivia definitely wasn't a mistake. _Where is she?_ Instead of panicking she went searching. The detective wrapped herself in one of the bed sheets and headed for the bedroom door, where she was stopped dead in her tracks, at the sound of elevated voices.

"Look Nick, I know you're going through an ugly divorce right now but—"

"That doesn't have anything to do with this!"

"That has everything to do with whatever's been going on with you. You've been off, Nick. And I'm not the only one who's noticed."

He chuckled sarcastically at that statement. "I've been off? Me? And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, at least I'm not the one having a mid-life crisis. Involved with some chick that I don't even know. Confusing fantasy with reality…"

 _Shit_. Nick regretted his harsh words immediately. Especially after seeing the look on Liv's face. Contrary to her internal rage, Olivia kept her cool externally. She narrowed her eyes and nodded her head, in that unique way she does. He'd seen her do that exact gesture numerous time. However, it was normally reserved for the moment right before she brought the heat on an unsuspecting perp.

"Liv, I—"

"So _that's_ what this is about," her tone was cool and calculated. "Our age difference? Because we work together? Maybe it's the fact that she's a _she_. No, not it huh? Ah, I've got it," both of them knew she'd already had it long before she went in for the kill. "Or it may _just_ be the fact that it's her and not _you_."

Bingo. Their eyes locked. Her gaze was steely and unwavering. That wasn't how she wanted to approach the delicate topic but he'd pushed her too far. His jawline twitched with tension. His brain couldn't even form a response. There really wasn't a need to say anything because both knew she was right with her accusation. Amanda was still standing at the bedroom door. Listening intently and hanging on to every word. Nick literally could not speak. He felt vulnerable and exposed. Olivia took some pity on him and finally broke the seemingly infinite silence.

"Nick," her voice softened. "Look at me." He slowly obliged. "You promised me…"

His eyes fell to the floor. "I know."

"I believed you."

"I know, I know," he ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"If you can't let it go, we can't move forward as partners." Amaro's head shot up after that statement. He definitely didn't expect her to say that. She could tell that he was caught off guard. A part of her felt guilty for kicking a man while he's down but it needed to be addressed. "Look, I told you this wasn't a good time. I've got to go."

Olivia closed the door and rested her forehead on it. Not a good way to start the morning after such an incredible night. She snapped out of it, remembering that Amanda was still there, asleep in her bed. That thought helped her shake off the foul mood as she went to go check in on her. When she entered her room, the bed was empty but steam was billowing from underneath the bathroom door. She smiled, then turned to go make coffee, when another thought crossed her mind. Even though the desire to join her in the shower was strong, she didn't want to intrude. Just in case there was a chance that the night hadn't been as amazing to her partner, as it had been to her.

On the other side of the bathroom wall was a baffled blonde, standing underneath the steaming faucet. Wondering what the hell did she just overhear. She felt bad for eavesdropping on what was clearly a private, personal conversation. Then again, her curiosity outweighed her desire to do the right thing. Amanda's internal voices were battling. One wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. The other believed something may have happened between Olivia and Nick. _No_. Even thinking that felt wrong and dirty. Whatever it was, she was sure it wasn't that. _Enough_. Instead of giving into the what-ifs she decided to forget it. She trusted Olivia and if there was something to know it would come out eventually. One way or another. The detective turned off the water, feeling resolve and refreshed.

When she exited the bathroom, Olivia was standing in the bedroom's doorway holding two mugs. Their eyes locked for the first time, since the first time. Blush spread across the cheeks of the pleasantly surprised blonde, accompanied with a coy little smile. Their bodies gravitated to the other like magnets. Olivia placed the mugs on the mantle, as they quickly kissed then embraced. They held each other as if they hadn't just spent the entire night together.

"Good morning," said Amanda when they finally separated.

"It is now. How'd you sleep?"

"The best I have since before Law—" she stopped herself. No way in hell was she going to utter that bastard's name, especially not now. "I slept great."

"Good…"

"Last night was—"

"Last night was—"

They laughed as both of them began to speak about the exact same thing at the exact same time.

Amanda took Olivia's hands in hers. "Last night was amazing."

"Yes, it was."

Relief washed over Olivia. A small part of her feared that the morning after would bring some sort of trouble. History was hard to erase. She was looking deep into bright blue eyes and guilt filled her gut. She needed to tell Amanda about what was going on with Nick. "Not to change the subject, trust me I would much rather discuss how we should have a repeat of last night," a sultry tone and smile accompanied the words.

"That can be arranged."

"I'm holding you to that. But uh," Olivia was stuttering over her words a bit. "I'm uh, not sure if you were awake earlier but Nick stopped by."

Amanda feigned ignorance, "Oh."

"Yeah, he stopped by," the brunette cleared her throat. "I set him straight about how he treated you last night and I'm sure he got the message."

"Oh…I appreciate that but you didn't have to."

"Yes, I did. He needed to hear it from me. He needed to know that if he has a problem with you then he also has one with me. I won't stand for him disrespecting you. We're a package deal…"

A smile spread across the blonde's face. The last person to defend her honor was six feet under. But now she had someone who cared for her and was willing to protect her at all costs. She felt genuinely cared for and respected. Liv was still talking, explaining why Nick was acting like an asshole but the detective wasn't listening anymore. Amanda kissed away whatever was going to come out of Olivia's mouth next. It didn't matter. Nothing before their current moment mattered. After she'd successfully silenced the brunette, their eyes met. Like they had many times before but a freeing feeling washed over the blonde. Amanda placed her hand upon her partner's cheek, never breaking eye contact. "I love you."

Olivia's mega-watt smile was on full display before she kissed the blonde deeply. "I love you, Amanda."


	11. Chapter 11

"You look ridiculous," laughed Amanda.

"I look like a person who doesn't want to be caught dead here," replied Olivia as she pulled tightly on the strings of her sweatshirt. Accompanying the NYPD sweatshirt, was a pair of dark motorcycle aviators, black jeans and boots.

More laughter followed. "Come on. Don't be such a prude," she dragged the brunette by the arm further into the building.

"I'll let you call me whatever you want if we can leave right now, please."

"Ten minutes, babe. For me?"

Liv couldn't deny her, especially not with that look on her face. "Alright. Ten minutes."

"I'll protect you," joked the blonde before she placed a quick kiss on her partner's lips.

"Yeah, I bet you will."

They walked around the large, opened space filled with human-sized plastic cages scattered throughout the room. Each cage containing a naked model, posing for their respected artist. The place was crowded. Overflowing with people, mostly hipsters and other artsy types. Definitely not Olivia's scene. But Amanda was totally into it. Liv watched her partner's eyes light up at the scenery. She had to admit, seeing the blonde so excited about anything made her happy. Even if she was completely out of her comfort zone. Amanda's eyes were wide as saucers. This type of establishment was nonexistent in Loganville. She'd been wanting to experience an interactive live, human art show, for as long as she could remember. Work and trepidation kept her away since arriving to New York but after a near death experience, she wasn't going to put it off any longer. The enamored detective was happy with her decision to finally check out, _Views_.

"Wow," said a still stunned Olivia, when they walked upon a particular cage.

"I know right. It's beautiful."

Liv looked at the other woman in confusion. What they were witnessing was borderline obscene in the brunette's mind. "It is?"

Amanda finally tore her eyes off of the art to address her partner. "Yes, it is. You've got to look beyond what first meets the eye. Humor me for a minute."

"Ok…"

Amanda stepped behind Olivia and removed her sunglasses, "Hey!"

"Shhhh, trust me." The blonde then proceeded to remove her tightly strung hood, that was covering half of her face. Now that Olivia was 'freed', the detective spoke softly in her ear. "Take a good look. No detail is too small."

"Ok."

"Good. Now close your eyes." The brunette skeptically followed the command. "Clear your thoughts of everything except the image you just saw."

Olivia took a deep breath and focused on her instructions. "Clear."

"Great. What's the first thing that pops into your head that you can remember about the image?"

"Uhm, the dirt covering just about everything in the cage."

"Good. What else?"

"The look on the woman's face. It almost seemed inhuman. She looked doll-like and still but at ease."

"Yes. Tell me one more thing."

"Uh, I think I saw a bloody knife by the table that was behind her."

Amanda smiled, when her partner remembered that particular piece. _Such a cop._ "Mmhmm, now with everything you just said. What do you think the artist is trying to make you, as the viewer, see?"

"An unkept bush?"

"Oh!" Amanda shoved her playfully, while shaking her head. Olivia burst out into laughter at her own joke. "Really? You're the worst and a lost cause. Come on, your ten minutes are up, let's get out of here."

"Noooooo, I'm sorry. No more bush jokes. I don't want to ruin it for you. Let's see more."

"I saw what I came here to see. Seriously, it's fine. We can go."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Here," Amanda put Liv's sunglasses back on her face along with her hood. The blonde smiled at the sight, "Ridiculous." She led the way out of the risqué gallery with Olivia on her arm.

"Fuck the police!" Was shouted at the ladies by a random, small group of hipsters, just as they made it to the exit. They looked over at the group of unhappy people, who were giving them the middle finger salute.

"What the hell?" The seasoned detective was taken aback by the unwarranted outrage.

It was now Amanda's turn to laugh. "You wore an NYPD sweatshirt to a sketchy, elusive, nude art expo. Filled with wannabe rebels and 'woke af' millennials. What'd you expect?"

"I don't know. Not this," shrugged the brunette.

The expletive chants continued, "Fuck the police!"

"I plan to!" Exclaimed the blonde before she planted an unexpected kiss on the disguised detective. A few of the chants, turned into whistles of appreciation at the affectionate display. She grabbed Liv's hand and flicked off the remanding chanters with her other hand, as they exited _Views_.

"Oh my god, you're insane!" laughed Olivia.

"You have no idea," a devious smirk was on the woman's face before she kissed her again. "Seriously, thanks for coming with me. This helped take my mind off tomorrow night."

The mention of the impending ceremony at One Police Plaza, filled both women with nerves. It had been decided that they're heroic efforts in combating Cameron Tyler Lawrence would be awarded. The detectives were going to receive the prestigious Combat Cross along with forty-two other officers.

"Glad I could help. Actually, helped myself in the process. I'll be happy when it's over with."

"Me too."

"Damnit!"

"What's wrong?" inquired a curious Amanda.

"I forgot to pick my uniform up from the Cleaner's, for the ceremony tomorrow night."

"Hmm. Lucky for you, I picked yours up along with mines. I knew you had a session with Huang after work and probably wouldn't make it before they closed. I meant to tell you earlier."

Olivia smiled at the thoughtfulness of the other woman, who meant so much to her. She pulled her in close by the hips, "You're the best."

"Yeah? Prove it…"

The brunette kissed the seductress before responding accordingly, "I plan to."

 **The following night…**

Officers from every precinct, unit and squad were in attendance on one of the biggest nights for the NYPD. The Medal Ceremony was held at One Police Plaza. The Mayor of New York was the designated speaker and would be awarding the officers with their medals. The evening was going better than expected. It was a big fancy shindig which usually equaled boredom. However, listening to fellow officers' stories of their ordeals made the evening bearable for the female detectives of the 1-6. Just when they were getting comfortable with being in the surreal environment, details of their ordeal had become the Mayor's talking point.

"…Or like Detectives Benson and Rollins who brought down a serial rapist, while facing imminent danger. Even though faced with mortal danger, they persisted and got the job done. Their sacrifice and heroics are appreciated today and every other day. They're NYPD's finest. True heroines."

Due to the alphabetical seating arrangements, the detectives weren't seated together. After that statement by the Mayor, both glanced in the other's direction. Being praised so publicly was strange but it did feel good, to be appreciated and thanked on such a huge platform. The night was going great and it was about to get better, when the Mayor finally finished his lengthy speech, all of the honorees stood. One by one, their names were called and they shook the Police Commissioner and Mayor's hand while onlookers watched.

"Detective Olivia Benson."

The nervous brunette, took a steadying breath and strutted across the stage like she owned it.

"Congratulations, Detective."

"Thank you, Mister Mayor." Click. Liv could feel the emotion thick in her throat. It was so overwhelming, standing there in front of her peers receiving the department's second highest honor. She walked off stage back to her seat and got it together. She didn't want to miss her partner receive her medal. After a few other honorees were called, it was the southerner's turn at glory.

"Congratulations, Detective."

"Thanks, Mister Mayor." A tear streaked down the detective's face, as he placed the medal around her neck. Everything came rushing back to her all at once. Everything that she had to endure and go through to get where she was standing, presently. Her miserable childhood, the loss of her brother, the attack…all of it. She'd gone through the thick of it and made it well beyond the other side. Olivia looked on with love and pride, while her partner got her just due.

After the drawn-out ceremony, the female detectives went in search for the other. The task proved to be more difficult than expected. Every turn they made, was an admiring person, showering them with praise and congratulations. Amanda was still accepting compliments when she spotted the person she wanted to see the most, on the other side of the room. Before she made a beeline to her partner an unexpected but familiar voice stopped her.

"Congratulations, Rollins."

She turned towards the person and suppressed a sigh. _Asshole_. "Thanks, Amaro."

An uncomfortable silence fell between them before Nick spoke up. "What you guys went through…you deserve that medal and more."

She was truly shocked. His honest, _nice,_ words totally surprised her. "Uhm, th-thank you."

"You're welcome," the detective gave a sad smile and turned to walk away.

"You know we don't have to do this, right?" Rollins' question stopped him from leaving. He turned back around before she continued. "It doesn't have to be contentious between us." She let that statement breathe before making the next one. "I know you _care_." Amaro's eyes were on the ground, while he listened. "So, do I…"

He stood there, silent for a while, taking it all in. "I know." He walked off after that. It was something in the way he said, 'I know' that bothered the female detective. Like that was the problem. _Ugh, asshole._

"Congratulations, again Detective Benson."

"Thank you, Chief."

"Tonight basically secured your next step up, to a much deserved promotion."

Olivia looked confused. "Sir?"

"You don't want to be a detective forever," asserted Chief Dodds.

"I don't think I'm ready for the desk, Sir."

"Well, you're not a spring chicken anymore. You need to get ready, the clock is ticking."

 _What the hell?_ Always the professional, she held her tongue and nodded. "I'll keep that in mind, Sir."

"Good. Enjoy tonight. I'll be in touch soon." The Chief walked away, without giving his words a second thought.

 _Asshole_.

"Congratulations, Detective Benson."

Olivia turned around with a huge smile on her face. "Congratulations, Detective Rollins." They looked at each other, beaming with pride and relief. It still didn't seem real to Liv. They made it through. Now, they're living a life neither could imagine, together. _Screw_ _it_. She pulled the blonde into a warm embrace, right there in the middle of the room. She whispered in her ear, "Congratulations, baby. You deserve this." Reluctantly they pulled away from each other, very aware of their surroundings.

"Quick photo ladies?" inquired one of the many photographers. That question definitely snapped them back into reality.

"Sure," responded a surprisingly cheerful Rollins. They posed for the picture, side by side. Arms wrapped securely around the other's waist Click. A few of the other interviewers and photographers followed suit. Trying to get a picture or sound bite from the honorees.

"Well, well, well. I see they just give away awards up here in New York…" That thick, southern drawl, made the hairs on Amanda's neck stand at attention. When she turned to the haunting voice, she blanched. It took her a minute but she finally found her voice.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I see some things never change. Zero respect for authority. I'm here because I had to see this with my own two eyes…"

Olivia was on high alert. Whoever this dude was, Amanda was not seem happy to see him. Liv could feel in her gut, that something was off with him. Her partner and the mysterious man was having an epic stare-down. Hoping to break the tension or to at least get his name, she introduced herself.

"I'm Detective Olivia Benson, her _partner_. And you are?"

"Chief Charles Patton. Amanda's mentor and more. Nice to meet you."

 **There's going to be a canon tweak with Patton. Not following the show's storyline at all because I hated it. Thanks for reading.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Rated M.**

"Chief Charles Patton. Amanda's mentor and more. Nice to meet you." He takes Olivia's hand with a devious smirk on his face. Turned it over, about to kiss it before Amanda snatched it away.

"Don't you dare! Touch her again, and I swear to God I'm going to—"

"Alright, we're done here," interjected Olivia. Stopping whatever threat was going to come out of the blonde's mouth. She didn't want things to get completely out of hand, especially considering where they were. She led the pissed off detective away from the escalating situation.

"See you soon, Amanda," drawled Chief Patton. Unfazed by the outburst and even more sure of himself. He was happy to see that he could still rattle his former employee.

Needless to say, the night had taken an unpredicted turn, for the worse. Olivia had no idea what the hell was going on, nor the history between the two. However, it was clear that something just wasn't right with Chief Patton. The ladies would have to address that later because there was still much more schmoozing left to do. Before they could even try to do a quick check-in with the other, they were bombarded with more 'adoration'.

"Detective Benson? Hi, I'm Adriel Roper with The Ledger."

 _Great_.

"Could I get a quick moment of your time? I have a few questions…" asked the female reporter.

Olivia groaned internally but didn't let it show, "Sure." She gave her partner a sympathetic look, accompanied with a silent apology, before walking off with the reporter.

Amanda looked on as Liv was whisked away, by the eager woman. The blonde had gone from an incredible high, to an unimaginable low. And it was all Charles Patton's fucking fault. _Everything_ was his fault. _What the hell is he doing here?_ That's the only thing that the detective could focus on. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, just thinking about him, in any capacity. _I've got to get out of here._ Without a second thought, the blonde left One Police Plaza. It was the biggest night of her career but she couldn't stay and deal with the demons form her past. Which, apparently seemed to be a part of her future. Amanda escaped, while Olivia was still in the crosshairs of an anxious interviewer.

"This is a tremendous honor and I feel very fortunate to be in this position, especially given the circumstances."

"Wow, I can't even begin to imagine the horror you went through. One last question, Detective Benson."

 _Thank goodness_.

"My research shows that you and Detective Amanda Rollins didn't really know each other, or get on that well, before going undercover for the Lawrence case."

Olivia smiled at the distant memory of her and Amanda's rocky start. Sessions with Huang. HairGate 2012. And everything in between flooded her memory. "Yes, I would say that's fairly accurate but it's not a question."

The young reporter was relieved, the detective had a sense of humor and didn't take offense to her statement. "I'm getting to it, Detective," smiled Adriel. She chose her words for the next question very carefully. "You two, spent months living together as a couple and survived a catastrophic assault. I'm sure things have _shifted_ between you since then, which leads me to my final question. How would you describe you and Detective Rollins' relationship now?"

The brunette felt the blush rising in her cheeks but made it her business to keep her face neutral. The reporter's question, flustered her. She didn't want to lie but she couldn't just come out and say, 'I would describe me and Detective Rollins' relationship as one I value above everything else. I love every single thing about her' either. Olivia took so long to respond. The reporter wasn't sure she'd heard her.

"Detective Benson?"

The detective was still trying to think of what to say, completely ignoring Adriel. After figuring out a delicate balance between the truth and what was appropriate to share, she responded. "Yes, it's fair to say there's been a shift in our relationship. What we went through, is indescribable. It changed us. She's my closest friend and someone who I trust with my life."

"Sounds like something beautiful blossomed for two _incredible_ women, despite all of the turmoil endured." Adriel's kind assessment took the brunette by surprise. The way she said it, so sure and unwavering, truly touched Olivia. "Thank you for your time, Detective Benson and congratulations again."

"No, thank you. Favorite interview of the night, hands down," Olivia extended her hand out to the flattered reporter.

"The feeling is mutual. Go, enjoy the rest of your big night. You deserve it," charmed Adriel.

There was something so achingly familiar and comforting about the sweet sting of whiskey. The way it would roughly cascade down the throat. Settling in the pit of the belly with a fiery sensation. Or the way it made everything automatically ok, if only for a moment. Because in that moment, the feeling of peace that passes all understanding, was priceless. And a free moment, without thoughts of Patton and all of the other treacherous bullshit attached, was just what Amanda needed.

"Brooke, another please. Neat, this time." Just as the blonde ordered her second drink, Olivia's faced popped up on her screen, as it rang. _Shit_. She totally forgot to text, when she abruptly left the ceremony. The detective drained her glass before answering. "Hello?"

"Hey, I've been looking all over for you. Someone said you'd left but that can't be right. Nope, because you would've let me know, if you were leaving without me…"

Amanda could hear the snark, poorly disguised as sarcasm, in her partner's voice. _Shit_. The last thing she wanted was to upset Olivia. She needed her, more than the drink being placed in front of her. "I had to get out of there immediately. Seeing him threw me. I couldn't be there for another second but I should've texted you. I was pissed and totally forgot."

"It's fine. I understand. I know we planned on spending the night together celebrating but if you need some time to be alo—"

"No. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you…"

Olivia was relieved. After their career changing night, Amanda was the only person she wanted to be with also. "That's good to hear because I want to be with you too. Where are you?"

 _Uhhhh._ Even though she knew Liv wouldn't judge her. It still made her feel some type of way, for heading straight to her new favorite bar for comfort. Instead of trying to find a better way to cope. _Whatever_. She had been caught off guard and went with her first mind. _I'll do better next_ _time_."I'mat _Mission Last Call…"_ She waited to see what kind of response she would receive from her partner.

Without missing a beat, "I'm on my way." Click.

Amanda looked at her phone, incredulously. _God, I love her._ She'd expected some sort of disappointment or judgment from her. However, it seemed as if Olivia was only interested in her well-being. And that meant everything to the distressed woman. How she got so lucky, who knew? What she did know was, she wasn't going to let fucking Patton ruin her and Olivia's big night. All of her bottled-up hate and disdain, for that man, would still be there tomorrow. Twenty minutes later, Olivia strode through the doors of the bar. Looking like she owned the place, spotting Amanda immediately.

"Hey, you ok?" The brunette embraced her partner. "I was worried."

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Glad you're here."

Olivia finally released the other woman, to look at her. "Me too."

"Come on, sit down and have a drink with me," charmed Amanda. "Brooke?"

Her favorite bartender and sounding board, responded almost instantly. "Another round?" She was busy wiping down the bar and making drinks, that she hadn't even noticed Olivia's presence.

"Actually, _Liv_ needs her first round…" The detective made sure to put emphasis on her partner's name, so Brooke would know they were no longer alone. After all, Brooke had listened to all of Rollins' ramblings about the other woman. It was high time they'd met, face to face.

"Oh! I didn't know you were comi—" the enthusiastic bartender stopped herself from babbling, by clearing her throat. "Nice to meet you, Olivia. I've heard a lot about you. I'm Br—"

"Brooke," the brunette finished the name. "Nice to put a face with the voice."

She smiled before responding, "Likewise. What can I get you to drink?"

"Uh, whatever she's having," Liv pointed towards Amanda.

"Coming right up." The overly invested woman mouthed, 'OMG so hot' to the blonde. While giving her an eager nod of approval, as she went about preparing Olivia's beverage.

Amanda laughed at her antics and teased, "I think Brooke may be happier to see you than me."

Olivia brushed off the teasing. More concerned about _her_ woman's well-being. "You sure you're ok?"

"Not really but I will be."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nope."

"Ok…"

"Here you go, Olivia. This one's on me," smiled Brooke.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

When the bartender was out of earshot, Amanda addressed the woman beside her. "You know, I can't tell whether she's fangirling or flirting?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Anyways." She was desperate to change the subject. "Whenever you do want to talk," Liv made sure their eyes were locked, before resuming. "Just know I'm here to listen, babe." She took the blonde's hand and kissed it.

 _How is she even real?_

"In the meantime, is there anything I can do to help?"

 _Yes_. Amanda slid her stool closer to Olivia's, leaving very little room between them. Once settled, she gently traced the rim of her glass, in a slow, deliberate way. A visual exploration accompanied her movements, as she took in every inch of the masterpiece beside her. The blonde's voice dropped an octave lower before answering.

"Yeah, there is something you can do… Finish your drink. Take me home. Take off all of my clothes," Olivia's heart rate picked up, when the conversation took an unexpected but very welcomed turn. She hung on to every word, that fell from her favorite set of lips. "Take off all of your clothes. Lay me down. Then make me forget everything. Everything, _except_ your name. That's all I want to remember. So, I can scream it all night long…"

Without warning or concern about their surroundings, Amanda claimed Olivia's lips. The unsuspecting woman, had to grip the bar top for support, nearly losing her balance. After quickly adjusting, the detective allowed herself to get lost in the kiss. The kiss was pure lust, nothing soft or sweet about it. It was borderline obscene. Amanda pulled away first, opening her eyes to one of her favorite sights. Olivia's eyes were still closed, lips still puckered. The blonde was more than satisfied with herself.

"Brooke, we're out of here." Amanda didn't even have to look over, to know that the young bartender, had witnessed the entire scene. Satisfying her even more.

"O-oh, ok. Y-yeah, uhm have a good night…" _I'm sure you will_.

Thirty minutes later, the ladies were mid-strip in Amanda's apartment. Clothes flew, frantic hands searched for skin and tongues collided. Pure and unadulterated lust. A different side to their intimacy. Not gentle and explorative, like previous times. To be honest, the blonde had been apprehensive to express this particular side of herself. The restless, uninhibited side. However, her apprehensions faded when Olivia seemed like she was reading her mind.

"I love you like this," panted Olivia in between open-mouthed kisses.

"Hmmm. Easy?"

The brunette smiled against her partner's lips, shaking her head no. "Free. Unrestricted. It's hot."

"Oh, yeah?"

"So hot. Now, no more talking." Olivia gently shoved the blonde onto the center of the bed. "I was given some very _specific_ instructions. And I plan on following them, word for word..."

Liv removed her remaining garments. Standing au natural before her partner. Amanda's mouth went dry. A true goddess was all hers and it was still difficult to believe, at times. "Wow how—"

"No. Talking." The seductress, moved her focus onto Amanda. Stripping away her last articles of clothing, as earlier instructed. Now, it was Olivia's turn to be amazed. She let her eyes gaze, up and down her partner's body. Never mumbling a word. Just appreciating the sight. The visual assault had Amanda on the verge of begging for it but she had been warned. No. Talking. She was willing to obey but her need to be touched, was slowly outweighing her will to comply. Before the blonde could break the rules, Olivia had more instructions of her own, for Amanda to follow.

"Get on your knees."

 _Oh my god._

"Now, turn away from me. Grab the headboard. Both hands." Liv noticed the way Amanda's eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Trust me."

 _I do_.

"Good."

Amanda's heart was beating so hard, she could hear it in her ears. She had no idea what was coming next but she desperately wanted whatever Olivia was about to give. Her body slightly trembled at the expectancy. Her body was burning, from deep within. The blonde wasn't sure how much more she could take and they hadn't even started yet. The anticipation was becoming almost too much to bear. Just before curiosity got the best of her, Olivia let her intentions be known. Sliding upward on her back, until she got directly beneath her intended target.

"Sit."

 _Oh my god._ "You sur—"

"No. Talking." Olivia had only one instruction left to complete and she wasn't going to be derailed. "Sit."

Amanda felt the command on her most sensitive and needy flesh. Even if she was a bit apprehensive, her body totally missed the memo, because her response was automatic. Her body was on autopilot, as she willingly obliged. Her sex coming into direct contact with an eager mouth and tongue.

"Ahhhhhh."

The brunette's senses and mouth were met and filled with dripping arousal. She eagerly lapped up, every drop. Her tongue went to work, sliding through plush folds, enjoying every pleasure filled moan coming from above. Amanda gripped the headboard even tighter, when Olivia's lips wrapped around her throbbing clit. Her body sunk further into the welcoming sensation, grinding, rotating back and forth. While maximizing her own pleasure, she had unknowingly released something in the woman underneath her. A muffled groan fell from Liv's mouth, as she grabbed onto slender hips, pulling them even closer to her face.

"Ohhh, Liv."

 _Make me forget_. The room felt like it was spinning. Everything that was bothering the blonde before, was slowly fading away. One lick, at a time. The only thing on Amanda's mind was Olivia's tongue. _Yes_. Not Patton. _Yes_. Not what he was doing in New York. _Yes_. Just Olivia. _Yes_. And her wicked. _Yes_. Magical. _Yes_. Mouth.

"Olivia!"

The brunette knew that was a warning cry. However, she was not going to stop until her task was complete. A new surge of desire coursed through her body. She could feel how close to completion Amanda was. The tone in her moans changed. The color in her face changed. The velocity in which she rode her face changed. It was desperate. Release was needed.

"Liv," Amanda was gripping the headboard so tightly that her knuckles were white. "Oh my—Liiiivvvvv…" Amanda's body trembled when she let go. A piercing shriek, bounced off the four walls, when a powerful orgasm ripped through her soul. Her body slumped against the headboard. She was spent. Completely overwhelmed as the electric aftershocks, jolted through her veins. Totally overwhelmed. Then abruptly, pleasure filled cries, quickly turned into gut-wrenching, heartbreaking cries.

Olivia's heart dropped at the sudden turn of events. Fright took over as she rushed to see what had transpired, so suddenly. She maneuvered her way from underneath her partner with haste. The brunette was in full panic mode. She didn't know whether or not she should touch the other woman. Amanda's soul-crushing sobs made the choice for her. Olivia gently pulled Amanda away from the headboard, into her arms.

"Shhhh, it's ok. It's ok. I'm sorry. I've got you, I've got you…

 **Thanks for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

"I'm so embarrassed. I can't even look at her. I just, I can't even…"

"Why don't you just talk to her, Detective?" asked Dr. Huang. The good doctor was doing the lord's work, far as the distressed woman was concerned. Even though it was Saturday, he had agreed to see Amanda on such short notice. It sounded urgent and it was.

"And what the hell do you want me to say, huh? 'I'm so sorry for crying when you made me come?! My bad?' She's never going to look at me the same again…"

Dr. Huang wasn't easily rattled. He'd seen or heard just about everything imaginable. However, he had to work extremely hard to keep his face neutral. He didn't expect the blonde to be so…blunt about what had transpired between the women. It also didn't help that he was a visual person. The images. Oh, the images. While he was trying to steer clear of certain visuals, Amanda was still talking, a mile a minute. More so to herself, than to the doctor.

"…And I'm not complaining at all, trust me. But I mean, it was her idea to do that position. She told me to sit but I didn't expect all of that to happen. Probably, the best orgasm of my life and then boom! Everything just came crashing down all at once. I just don't want her to think that I'm going to cry every time I come. God, I bet she thinks that I'm a freakin' basket-case. She's probably not even going to want to touch me again. I mean, who the hell cries during sex? Especially good sex?! Ugghhh. A person who probably won't be having sex again for a long time, that's who." The distraught detective dropped her head into her hands. Rant over.

 _Wow, wow, wow! She really took it there_. Huang was so grateful that the blonde wasn't looking at him. Because there was no way that she would've missed his obvious discomfort. It had gotten awkward as all hell, to say the least. All of the words and none of them, could successfully describe the sheer panic that raced through the detective's body. When she realized that she'd just said all of that to Dr. freakin' Huang. Amanda shot straight up, from her seated position on the couch.

"Oh, shit. I-I've got to get the hell out of here—"

"No, Amanda don't go. Sit back down, please."

Yes, things had gotten a little uncomfortable. Hearing the explicit details of his friend's sex life, definitely wasn't how he wanted to spend his Saturday. But he agreed to hear her out and wanted to help, in any way that he could. He was a professional and could bare some awkwardness to help out a friend, who was in need. The doctor cleared his throat and tried to regain control of the unorthodox session.

"So, after your uh, unfortunate emotional breakdown during climax—"

"Oh my god, stop talking! No, no, no. Please, just don't even—"

"What happened next?" asked Huang. While completely ignoring the detective's, and his, obvious discomfort. Amanda fiddled with her fingers. Was she really going to talk about this with Dr. Huang? She just couldn't bring herself to speak. So, she took a moment to replay what happened after she broke down. Her eyes involuntarily filled with unshed tears. Huang knew Olivia well enough, to have a pretty solid clue about what happened next. And when Rollins' silence turned into, overwhelming emotion. He knew that what he thought transpired next was spot on.

"She comforted you." It wasn't a question. It was stated in a matter-of-fact manner and it was completely accurate. "She made you feel safe and secure. Amanda, I've known Olivia for a long time now and I might be overstepping here but I'd say we're past that…" The line between professional and personal had been crossed for some time. So, the doc spoke freely. "I know, she cares very deeply for you and it's going to take more than _climax-tears_ , to change that or make her run."

 _Climax-tears?! He's made up a name for it_?! The blonde was dying a million slow deaths internally. She was somewhere far beyond embarrassment. However, there was no denying him being correct about the entire situation. He was right and deep down, she already knew that Olivia wouldn't be anything less than 'Olivia' towards her, about the extremely humiliating moment. Yet, it still took hearing it from someone else, for it to really sink in.

"You're right. I know that. It's just… ugh every time I think about it, I get sick to my stomach. Like seriously, physically ill. It's to the point where I feel like I might hurl, pass out or both."

The doctor couldn't help the smile that graced his delicate features, at the detective's descriptive explanation. His like for Amanda increased, the more he talked with her. "I'm sure you're going to be just fine, Detective but you have to talk to her. Avoiding her, is just prolonging the inevitable."

"Can you just tell her everything instead and text me how it went later?" Half-joked, half-seriously asked Rollins.

"Detective…"

"Hey, nothing fails but a try, right? Thanks for nothing, Doc."

Huang took her teasing as a good sign that she was feeling better than she was before arriving. "Friends call me, George. And after today, I'd say we're _definitely_ friends."

Amanda chuckled, thinking about everything they'd discussed, in the last hour. "Oh yes, definitely friends. Thank you, George."

"You're welcome, Amanda."

The detective stood to leave. It would be a lie to say that she felt completely resolved but she certainly felt better now, then when she first arrived. Before barely getting out of Huang's office, she reached for her phone to call Olivia. Running out of her own apartment, while her partner was still sleeping, wasn't one of her best moments. It was wrong on so many levels but seemed practical in the moment. The embarrassment had been overwhelming and she just reacted. The guilt was already eating her alive but after the impromptu session with Huang, she felt even worse about her rash decision. The phone rang and Olivia answered on the first ring but didn't speak.

"Liv, you there?"

"Yes, I'm _here_."

Amanda whipped her head around and saw Olivia sitting in the empty waiting area of Huang's office.

"H-how did you know I was here?" asked the baffled woman.

The brunette stood and shrugged nonchalantly, "Lucky guess…"

"I'm so sorry about last night. I cried and just completely ruined—"

"Wait. Last night? _That's_ why you're apologizing?"

"Well, yeah. I—"

Olivia grabbed Amanda's hand and without warning, marched them into Huang's office.

 _What the hell? "_ Uh, Olivia hi? Amanda? What's going on?"

"Sorry to barge in like this, Doc but we need a minute."

"W-we do? Both of us, together? With Huang?"

"Yes," said Olivia with certainty. "I have something to say and I need you to hear it, both of you. Sit."

 _Oh my…_ Amanda's face turned bright red. That three-lettered-little word, took her back to the previous night. To the moments of sheer bliss, before it all came tumbling down. Literally.

"What's on your mind, Detective?" Huang was trying to keep some sort of decorum but he knew it wouldn't last long. Especially given the fact that, the blonde's oh so descriptive visuals were still fresh on his mind.

"First of all, Amanda, I'm glad that you're ok. You know, given the fact that you left me alone, naked and worried in your bed."

 _And here we go...Decorum, gone._

"Liv, I'm—"

"And I know last night was traumatic for you," continued Olivia, interrupting Amanda. "But you cannot continue to run away from me!"

Both, Huang and Amanda were taken aback by the brunette's tone. She didn't even notice their shock, as she continued to express herself. "I'm doing everything I know, to show you how much I love you but it's clearly not working. You wanted to apologize for last night and that's not what you should be sorry for!"

George had to intervene, to calm things down. "Okay, okay. Olivia, take a breath."

"Oh, we're way past taking a breath, George." Dismissed. The angry detective, then turned her attention to Amanda. "Last night was out of your control. I know that but this morning you had a choice and you chose to run, again."

"I'm sorry—"

"Did you even stop to think about how last night affected me before you just took off?"

Silence.

"You cried. After sex with _me_. And I'm not naïve. I know there was something more going on with you but I felt like a monster after that happened. A monster. Like I had taken advant—"

"Don't you dare think that, Olivia! You know that's not how I feel. Everything that happened, _everything_ , I wanted to happen. I wanted you. You did nothing wrong."

"How would I have known that? I didn't know what to think. Because when I woke up, you were gone!"

"All right, enough!" interrupted Huang. That uncharacteristic outburst, both shocked and silenced the two detectives. He had their undivided attention. "You two barge in here for help and neither of you want to listen. Not to me or each other. Amanda, you should be sorry for running away this morning, not about last night's 'climax-tears'."

 _What the hell? Climax-tears? He has a name for it?_ Olivia shot her partner a 'wtf' look? Amanda simply shrugged, in a 'I know right?' sort of fashion. Yes, Olivia figured that her partner had told Huang, about what happened the night before. But she didn't expect, for him to already have a name ready for their peculiar situation.

"And Olivia, you can't keep suppressing the things that bother you, until you're completely fed up and ready to explode. Just talk and listen to each other, please." George was over their bs. "Liv, you go first."

The brunette took the doctor's advice and spoke her truth. "I want to be with you, Amanda. I'm here for you. Through the good, bad, awful, whatever but I can't keep going on like this…"

Amanda's jawline twitched with tension. Her stomach dropped and panic filled her gut. "Ok, so wh-what are you saying here, Liv?"

"I'm saying that I can't keep doing this, _like_ this. If we're going to be together, then we're _together_. No matter what. Ups, downs, awkwardness, 'climax tears'," Olivia used Huang's newly patented phrase, to make her point. "Whatever. I just can't deal with this constant, one step forward and five steps back bs!"

Olivia took a breath to calm herself. Everything was coming out much harsher than she wanted. Amanda could feel her partner's frustration in her soul and was terrified of what she was going to say next. That's when everything blacked out around the blonde, as Olivia dropped a bomb.

"I think we should take a break…"

 **I cut this chapter in half. The wait won't be long for the next update, half of it is already written. Thanks for reading.**


	14. Chapter 14

" _I think we should take a break…"_

Olivia heard the words coming out her mouth and instantly wanted to take them back. "I didn't mean that."

Amanda was silent for a while. She hadn't heard anything after the suggestion for a break. Her brain was working overtime, trying to process what was happening. "So, you're dumping me?"

"No, I'm not—"

"No? It sure the hell sounds like it. You said that you want to take a break. What is it? You need a break, far the hell away from me and my craziness, huh?"

"Amanda, I don't think that's what's happening here," inserted Dr. Huang. He knew that things were headed downhill, quickly. "Olivia's just—"

"Fucking dumping me."

"Stop saying that! I'm not dumping you and I don't want a break from you," exclaimed Olivia.

"Well, what the hell do you want?!"

"You!"

"Ladies, please."

The detectives stopped when their doctor intervened. Meanwhile, Huang was wondering how in the hell, had he turned into a couple's counselor. Sure, he'd been there with them since the very beginning. Back when they barely even spoke to each other, let alone anything else. He'd been there every step of the way, advising, listening and helping them navigate from pretending to reality. Even though he might not have liked his new 'title', not helping wasn't an option.

"Since I'm playing the role of a couple's counselor, allow me to do my job, please. It's very clear and obvious to me that you two want to be together, but you don't know how."

"What does that even mean?" asked an annoyed Rollins.

"It means, that you can love deeply and passionately with your feelings and yet not know how to express it with your actions," explained George.

"I don't think that applies here," dismissed Amanda.

"I think it does," challenged Olivia.

"So, what are you saying here, Liv? I don't show you that I care? Is that what you're saying?"

"Hold on, Detective. Let's hear her out, continue…"

Eyeroll.

"No, I'm not saying that exactly. I'm just—it's like, I know how you feel about me. I do and when things are good they're so good, babe. They really are but at the first sight of trouble or difficulty, there's a disconnect and I'm guilty of it too."

The brunette wanted to be transparent and didn't want her partner to feel like she was only pointing out her flaws but also looking within herself. Amanda couldn't deny the truth smacking her dead in the face. Nor could she deny her woman, who was trying so desperately, to fix what had been broken. So, she put her pride and anger aside, to put what she felt into action. _Ok, maybe Huang has a point. Whatever_.

"I don't know why it's so hard for me but it is. I never _want_ to run away from you. You're the only one, who makes me feel safe and secure," she paused after that statement. Baring her soul wasn't something that came easy to her. It also didn't help that she could feel those intense brown eyes, locked onto her every move. Not that it was a bad thing, but it still took some adjusting. Being on the receiving end of 'The Look™' and all. After some subtle squirming, she continued. "I-I guess, I run so you won't see how fucked up I _really_ am and be done with me for good…"

Olivia's heart broke for her partner. How could she still feel so unworthy? Undeserving of happiness? It was truly baffling to the detective. She slid closer to Amanda and spoke softly, "You've got to stop thinking like that and give me more credit, please. I know you're not perfect and neither am I. I don't want perfect. I want this," Olivia placed her hand over Amanda's heart. "I want you. And a fucked-up past won't change that or my feelings for you. I misspoke earlier and I'm sorry. I don't want a break. I just want you to figure out, what you want. Maybe a relationship is too much for you right now. You might just need me as a friend. I don't know but what I do know is that, we can't keep going on like how it is now. It's not working for me…"

The sad, ugly truth was finally out in the open. It wasn't easy for Olivia to say it out loud, let alone admit it to herself. As much as she wanted things to work, she feared that maybe there were just too many obstacles in their way. It was a difficult realization but Olivia had decided that they need to be all in or nothing at all. Huang was observing everything, taking notes and watching for different body language cues. He'd picked up on a number of things and the now silent room, allowed him an opportunity to share.

"If I can interject here, both of you brought up some specific points, I'd like to elaborate on." Neither woman said a word, so he decided that was a green light for him to continue. "Both of you said something interesting that I want to discuss. Amanda, you said that you're scared that your issues will drive Olivia away for good. Olivia, you're basically saying that you don't want to be ran away from. Both of you want the same thing. All you have to do is figure out a way to navigate through the issues, that are keeping you from getting what you want. I want to try something, an exercise if you will…"

Silence. _It's not like I'm having any fun here either, ladies_.

Huang was about to say something else but Amanda spoke up. "Patton's the reason why my brother is dead."

Huang was completely lost. He had no idea that Amanda even had a brother or what she was referring to. He looked over at the other woman, and quickly realized they were having a moment. Like a good couples' counselor, he let the moment unfold naturally and didn't interrupt. Olivia's face was shocked and confused but she remained silent as well, hoping her partner would finish.

"Josh." Just saying his name, filled the detective with so many emotions. "He was my everything. The father-figure I never had, my protector, confidant and best friend. He died trying to protect me. Patton's a typical good-ole boy. Misogynistic, charming, entitled and not used to hearing no. Well one night, my squad and I were out drinking, having a good time. It was late and all of sudden Patton shows up, clearly drunk off his ass. When I went to the restroom, he cornered me on my way out. He just wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept trying to touch and kiss me. So, I kneed him in the balls and got the hell out of there. I didn't think anything else of it. The next day there was a rumor going around, about how I banged him to make rank and was open for whoever else wanted it."

"Son of a bitch." The ladies whipped their heads in Huang's direction, at the uncharacteristic outburst. _I think, they're rubbing off on me_. "Ahem, sorry. Please continue Amanda…"

"Gossip traveled like wildfire back home. Everything that went down, got back to Josh. He knew it was bs but he was still pissed. He called me and I was very upset. I was irate, beside myself. Going on about how hard I'd worked to be taken seriously, just to be reduced down to a slut. Who, slept her way to success. That triggered him because he knew and saw my struggle first hand. That's when he decided to go and teach Patton a lesson. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't hear it. He was determined to confront Patton at his shady hangout spot but—" Amanda had to stop. Even though it had been almost three years since Josh's death, the wound was still fresh. It was also her first time, telling the story of her brother's death, to anyone outside of her family.

Olivia saw her partner struggling emotionally and internally. On whether or not to continue with the story. Liv took her hand and tried to offer some comfort. "Hey, you don't have to say anymore, if you don't want to."

Amanda forced a weak smile, as she fought back tears. "I want to tell you. It's just…" she squeezed Olivia's hand. "It's just really hard because I miss him so fucking much, ya know?"

"Yes, I do. I love when you talk about him. All of the wild stories. And crazy trouble you two would get into. Wish I could've met him."

"Oh man, he would've _loved_ you." Amanda smiled at that thought, as her eyes watered. She got serious and looked her partner in the eye. "He, uh—he never made it to Patton's that night." That's when the tears finally streamed down her face but she didn't allow herself to completely break down. She wanted to get it all out. "He swerved to avoid a deer, ended up hydroplaning into a tree. It was instant."

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry." Olivia wrapped her arms around the blonde. Wishing she could take away all of her pain. Not having the right words to say. Words fail. They remained in the other's arms, for a while.

"And I know, I do," began Amanda. "Like logically, I know that it was an accident but I feel so responsible." More tears fell. Every time she thought about Josh, she wished their last phone call would've gone differently. How she'd give anything to say 'I love you' one last time, instead of adding more fuel to the fire. That call would forever haunt her.

"Amanda, you've got to give in to logic or that guilt will eat you alive," said Huang. All of the pieces were finally beginning to fit, for the doctor. "It was a terrible, unfortunate, unfair accident. With zero fault of your own."

" _Ze-ro_." Reaffirmed Olivia. "It's awful what happened with Josh, awful. Now, I totally get why you freaked and ran when you saw that asshole."

Amanda looked over at her partner, relieved that she understood her actions. "When I saw that bastard at the ceremony, I just couldn't deal. It was too much. Then last night, the 'climax-tears' I'm fucking spiraling!"

The panic and fear were louder than the rage in her partner's words. The only thing Olivia wanted to do, was be there. "Let me help. Let me in…"

"I really want to, I do. Sometimes, I just don't know how. I'm a natural runner, it's how I'm wired babe. I left Georgia the day after they put my brother in the ground and haven't looked back. It's my natural instinct." Amanda was owning her truth, laying it all on the line.

Huang was surprised by the sudden turn of events and inserted his suggestion. "Olivia, Amanda is telling you exactly who she is. I think you should tell her, who you are."

The brunette shot the doctor and annoyed expression. He held his ground because he knew, Olivia needed to leverage with Amanda also. "I-uh, everyone I love abandons me. Everyone. And I'd rather die alone than to have another person abandon me, without any sort of goodbye or closure. I know when you run it's not about me but with _my_ fucked-up history, I'm insecure and assume that it is about me."

 _Fucking finally!_ Huang was internally relieved (and over the bs?). After all of the back and forth, everything was out in the open. He reiterated their situation and left them with one last question, just like a good 'couple's counselor' would. "All of the cards, are now on the table. Olivia you're dating a person whose natural instinct is to run away, when things get tough. Amanda you're dating someone with abandonment issues, who can't deal with being ran away from. The question is: Can your love for each other, conquer all of your excess baggage?"

The women looked at each other. Huang's breakdown of their situation was spot on. No matter how they felt about each other, their biggest hang-ups were difficult to just ignore. The silence remained. Both nervous with the other's answer to their doctor's question.

 _Fuck it._ "Look, I can't promise not to run again. I can't. _But_ I do know, I'm tired of running. And I can't think of another person who'd make me want to stay put besides you. I'm all in…" Amanda used their three little words, that had been burned into her brain. After they'd decided to make things official. "Are you?"

 **Thanks for reading.**


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